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THE WHEATVILLE 



A Rural Political Play in Four Acts 



BY 



WARD MACAULEY 

Author of " EXAMINATION DAY AT WOOD HILL 
SCHOOL," "BACK TO THE COUNTRY STORE," etc 




PHILADELPHIA 
THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1911 






Copyright 1911 by The Penn Publishing Company 



The Wheatville Candidates 



CC1.D 25633 



V 



The Wheatville Candidates 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Hon. Kentworth Howell . . Who knoivs the ropes 

Ezra Little A political novice 

Frank Lee Wright An editor 

C. A. Page Another 

Jeremy Lawson . , . . Postmaster and philosopher 
Harriet Lawson .... The sharer\>f his fortunes 

Edith Lawson A cause of dissensio?t 

KiB Lawson . A you/i^er brother 

Zeke Jones Half a deputy 

Jed Smith The other half 

Molly Hempstead A youthful enthusiast 

A. Frank Pryor . . An exemplar of practical politics 
Mrs. Jorkins ........ Who wants to vote 

Delegates, villagers ^ etc., as desired. 

Time of Playing : — Two hours and a half. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

Kentworth Howell, candidate for state senator from the 
Wheatfield district, expects an overwhelming victory. He 
also looks forward to an easy conquest of Edith, daughter 
of Postmaster Jeremy Lawson. To his surprise, Ezra Little, 
a young teacher and law student, who has been nominated 
against Howell for a joke, makes a strong campaign, both 
for the senatorship and the girl, and wins both. 

Act I. — In front of Wheatville post-office. The rival edit- 
ors quarrel over "an amicable understanding." "You've 
been elected three times before, Kent. It'll be a cinch." 
Kent proposes to Edith. " Just meditate over it." Jeremy, 
"mighty ambitious for my Edith," favors Kent. Jed and 



4 SYNOPSIS 

Zeke plan to share Widow Jorkins' insurance money. Ezra 
and Edith. " Is there any hope for a country school-teacher 
with a few dreams? " Wright notifies Ezra of his nomina- 
tion. "Oh, they only put me up for a joke." Kent's 
friend laughs at *' the school-teacher pohtician." Ezra sur- 
prises them. *' Now I'm in the fight, I stay in." 

Act II. — Jeremy Lawson's house. Jeremy and Ezra. 
*' Ain't ye resigned yet, Ezry ? " Mr. Pryor shows Ezra 
some " practical politics." "I wouldn't touch your dirty 
schemes with a forty-foot pole." Edith asks Ezra not to 
urge an "eight-hour law." " Father says it will ruin the 
International Company. Our money's all in that." " Edith, 
if that bill is right I must vote for it." Jed Smith's queer 
parliamentary law. "I got the book right here." Kent 
and Edith. " I'm kind of sorry to beat the boy two ways 
at once." "Perhaps you won't." 

Act III. — Same scene as Act I. Jed is despondent. 
" We're licked, Kent." Molly hurrahs for Little, and Kent 
bribes her with candy. Ezra says he'll "win if he gets 
enough votes." Kent wants Edith's answer — " after the 
votes are counted." Jeremy thinks " pohtics is skittish as 
women." Ezra makes his speech. " A greenhorn can fight, 
and he has a vote." Kent's speech. "Leave it to me, 
and I'll take care of you." Ezra and Edith. "Remember, 
if I win ! " 

Act IV. Same as Act I. Jed and Zeke. "We want to 
break up a partnership." Jeremy tears up the contracts. 
"Five dollars apiece, please." Mrs. Jorkms asks Jed and 
Zeke to her wedding. Jeremy announces the returns. Jed 
bets Molly a cake of soap — the loser to eat the soap. Kent's 
triumph proves premature. Ezra and Edith. "Have I 
won the prize that only you can give, Edith ? " " You know 
you won it long ago." 



SYNOPSIS 



Act I. — Street in Wheatville, before the post-office, after- 
noon in September. 

Act II. — Mr. Lawson's home, evening, one week later. 
Act III. — Same as Act I — evening. Three weeks later. 
Act IV. — Same as Act I. Election night. 



1 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Howell. A self-assertive, somewhat bombastic rural 
politician ; state senator for several terms. Should dress in 
very slightly pronounced manner. Should be played by a 
large man, made up to look forty to forty-five years old. 

Ezra. A slender man of twenty-five, of modest, retiring 
nature, but of forceful character and kindly humor. Should 
be quietly dressed. 

W PHT ) ^^^ editors. Both should be men along 

p ' y toward middle age, fairly well dressed. Busi- 

) ness rivalry marks their relations. 

Lawson. Somewhat eccentric old man. Dressed rather 
carelessly. Sharp spoken and opinionative. 

Mrs. Lawson. Typical matron of fifty years. Rural 
costuuie not over-emphasized. (May double with Mrs. 
Jorkins.) 

Edith. A very pretty girl of twenty. Must be becom- 
ingly dressed in simple style. 

KiB. A mischievous boy of fourteen. Ordinary boy's 
costume, short trousers, etc. 

y ^ The comic rural young men. Both should wear 

-r ' ' |- pronounced country clothes. One should be 

•' ■ J stout and short, and the other tall and thin. 

Molly. A lively, attractive, tomboy-like girl of fifteen, 
dressed attractively. Should be almost constantly in motion. 

Pryor. An unprepossessing type of politician. Florid 
style of personal appearance, loud tie, large diamond, etc. 

Mrs. Jorkins. Severely plain woman of about forty, 
dressed in plain style. (May double with Mrs. Lawson.) 

Villagers and delegates should be dressed in the varying 
shades of country village style, but none should be portrayed 
farcically. 

PROPERTIES 

Howell. Act I. Money, suit-case, large card with 
words '' Howell for Senator," tacks, hammer, envelopes. 
Act IV. Note-book and pencil. 

Ezra. Act I. Small book. Act IT. Papers. Act IIL 
Manuscript. Act IV. Note-book and pencil. 

Page. Act I. Note-book and pencil, and same in 
Act III. 

Wright. Act I. Paper, Act III. Package of sheets 
of paper, supposed to be printed circulars. 

5 



SCENE PLOTS 

Lawson. Act 11. Newspaper, note-book, pencil. Act 
IV. Megaphone. 

Jed. Act II. Watch, book. Act III. Banner with 
words " Howell for Senator." Act IV. Folded paper, with 
writing and large seal, cake of soap. 

Zeke. Act IV. Folded paper, with writing and large seal. 

KiB. Act III. Mouth-organ. Act IV. Several slips 
of paper. 

Edith. Act II. Plate and towel. Act III. Purse con- 
taining coin. 

Molly. Act 1. Letter, paper bag of chocolates, law 
book wrapped in paper. Act III. Box of candy. 

Mrs. Jorkins. Act I. Two letters, umbrella. Act IV. 
Letter. 

Mrs. Lawson. Act II. Potatoes, bread, dishes, etc., for 
supper scene. 

SCENE PLOTS 
ACTS I, III, IV 



//yr£/f/Ofi BACffWC 






tVOOD 



o/i 



nooo 



Oft 



HOt/S£ 



HOU<SE 



jv/yvcd 




Scene. — Exterior of Lawson's grocery store and post- 
office. Store front, with steps or porch, and practicable 
(ioor, c. Interior backing. Sign over door, "J. Lawson, 
Grocery, Post-Office, Etc." Chairs and boxes on steps or 
porch, and in corners. One large, strong box for speakers 
to stand on in Act III. Wood or house wings. Exterior 
of store may show signs, placards, etc. 



SCENE PLOTS 
ACT II 
fNTE^IOR BACHING- 



"^DOOjt 



^Q /^^sAfO^y^-^sQ 



o 



TABL£ <i CHAIR'S 



OOORl 



o 



o> 



Scene. — Interior of Jeremy Lawson's house. Entrances 
c, L., and R. Large round table, c, with four chairs. 
Chairs down r. and l. Screen, with chair behind it, up r. 
Other furnishings to make a comfortable village " sitting- 
room." 



The Wheatville Candidates 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Street in Wheatville. Afternoon of a September 
day. Up c. should be represented the exterior of the 
post-office with a practicable entrance c. In front of the 
post~offt,ce are chairs, boxes, etc. Sign over post-office 
'^y. Lawson, Grocery, Post- Office, Etc.^^ The town 
hall in which the convention is being held is supposed to 
be near by, l., and cheering and hand-clapping should be 
heard intermittently throughout the act. The entrances 
are R. {down road^j l. (up road toward town hall^, and 
c. {into post-0 ffice~). 

(As the curtain rises, Frank Lee Wright and C. A. Page 
walk rapidly toward each other from opposite sides of the 
stage. Seeing each other, each takes a wide sweep to 
keep as far from the other as possible. After they pass y 
they turn and shake fists at one atiother.^ 

Page {pausing). Oh, I say, Wright. 



Wright {loftily). Sir, do you desire to converse with 
me? 

Page. What's the use of our being on the outs ? Why 
not come to an amicable understanding? 

Wright. That's what I say — an amicable understand- 
ing. I'm always strong for peace. Why, I believe in the 
disarmament of the nations. I 

Page. It's a fool idea. Nations — especially civilized 
nations — have got to build big navies and maintain big 
armies so as to make the other fellows behave, and I say 
that the bigger the array the more chance for peace, and 
anybody who contradicts that is a rattle-pated imbecile 
and 

Wright. If I had no more sense than to believe such 
rubbish, I'd keep still and not betray my ignorance. The 

9 



IQ THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

smallest boy in school knows that a great world-wide peace 
movement is on 

Page. It's got to be an armed peace, I tell you. 

Wright. You're wrong. 

Page. I'm right. 

Wright. I say you're wrong, and that settles it. 

Page. You don't settle anything, not even your bills. 

Wright. I'll settle you 

Page {belligerent attitude). Come on. 

Wright. I'll settle you by the peaceful method of supe- 
rior argument in my editorial column. You show your in- 
feriority by desiring to descend to brute force. 

Page. I can lick you, physically or mentally. 

Wright (jvalking off ^r.). Remember, sir, I shall chas- 
tise you severely in the pages of the Wheatville "Gazette." 

Page {as a parting shot). I don't care. Nobody reads 
it. 

.{Enter Hon. Kentworth Howell, l.) 

Howell. Hello, Page, what are you two argufying 
about ? 

Page. Oh, Wright and I came to an amicable under- 
standing again. 

Howell. Don't bother about him. Any man who'd 
write the political folderol he does has something lacking. 
{Shouts and applause are heard from the convention hall, L.) 
They're making enough racket over there. I suppose they 
think they can nominate a man who can lick me. 

Page. No, they don't figure on winning, I guess, but 
they've got to shout for their good old principles, as they 
call 'em. 

Howell. Principles? What good are principles if you 
don't get elected ? Say, Page, I missed you at our conven- 
tion. I had to do some of the slickest wire-pulling you ever 
saw to get the nomination on the first ballot. 

Page. I wish I could have come, but it was press day. 
Say, Kent {jerking thumb toward convention hall, 'L.,from 
which shouts and applause are being heard), whom do you 
suppose they'll put up to run against you? 

Howell. Some unwilling martyr, you may be sure. 
Why, Page, I don't care a bean, a liftle bit of an under> 
sized, shrivelled-up bean who they nominate. Getting nomi- 
nated doesn't admit a man to the pie counter unless he gets 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES II 

the biggest bunch of ballots on election day — and there's 
only one man going to be elected state senator from this 
neck o' the woods in the present year o' grace, and he goes 
by the name of Kent Howell to folks that know him real 
well. 

Page, You've been elected three times before, Kent. 
It'll be a cinch. 

Howell. If I didn't enjoy campaigning, I'd feel per- 
fectly safe in going off hunting till election. 

Page. I wish I was as sure of my circulation. 

Howell. You get all the government advertising in the 
county. That's enough for you. 

{ Enter 1L\^ Lawson, l., excitedly.) 

KiB. Oh, Mr. Howell, I sneaked in at their old conven- 
tion, and I heard a man get up and say you were no more 
fit to go to Turnersport than a scarecrow. 

Howell (drily). I wonder how he found it out. 

KiB. 1 don't know, sir. 

Howell. Now look here, youngster, here's a nickel. 
{Hands coi?i.) Go back, and when that speaker you men- 
tioned concludes his peroration, you yell '' Hurrah for 
Howell!" Peroration's the correct thing in that place, 
eh. Page? 

(Page carefully examines a much-thumbed pocket dictio7iary.) 

Page. I can't find it, but I guess it's c'rect, though I 
usually leave off the per. 

Howell. Per must mean a couple, I guess. 

Howell {running l., excitedly). Hurrah for Howell ! 
Who'll be elected ? Howell, Howell ! Hurrah for Howell ! 

{Exit, L.) 

Page. It's lucky he's under age, Kent. You can't be 
indicted for bribing a voter. 

Howell. Trust me for that, Page. I wasn't born yester- 
day, nor last week, and I want to tell you confidentially that 
I'm pretty near next to the big chaps at Turnersport, and I 
wouldn't wonder if I'd be our next candidate for — {looking 
cautiously around and putti7ig finger io lips) sh — governor. 

Page. When you get there, Kent, I hope you'll remem- 
ber those who stood by you. 



12 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Howell. See here, Page, understand me. Let this 
percolate into your think-case — percolate's the word, I guess. 
I'm a self-made man. What 1 aai I did myself — you catch 
that? 

Page. Oh, most assuredly, certainly, in fact, without a 
doubt; but {timidly) somebody had to vote for you. 

Howell. Sure. Folks recognize merit when they see 
it. 1 produce the merit. Consequentially, I go to Turn- 
ersport term after term. 

(Noise and applause from convention hall heard.') 

(Enter Kib, l., on the run^ somewhat the worse for wear.) 

Page. Hello! What's wrong, youngster? 

Kib (tearfully). I yelled ** Hurrah for Howell " up there, 
and look what they did to me. 

Howell. I don't seem to be exactly popular in that 
quarter. Page. 

Kib (shrewdly). Did you say a quarter, Mr. Howell? 

Howell (good-naturedly handing money). Sure, a quar- 
ter's none too much for what you've had done to you. 

(Exit Kib, r., whistling.) 

Page. I guess Til look in at the convention. They 
can't keep a newspaper man out. 

Howell. Keep me posted up to the minute. Page. 

Page. I thought you didn't care whom they put up. 

Howell. I just want to extend my sympathy to the 
victim and family, if any. Say, Page, of course this thing's 
k cinch, but just to make assurance doubly sure, I've fixed 
up a little scheme. 

Page. It's a good one, I bet. 

Howell. If I put it over, it's sure to be a good one. 
I'm going to help 'em choose a candidate — if things work 
out right. One of the delegates just happens to be a par- 
ticular friend of mine, and if it should come to a deadlock 
or they can't find anybody, he's going to propose — well, 
who do you think he is going to propose? 

Page, Somebody easy, of course. 

Howell. Well, I thought Ezra Little'd about fit. Nice 
fellow, all right, but a greenhorn at politics. 

Page. And a youngster I Say, 1 hope that scheme goes 
through. It will be soft. Well, 1 must be moving. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES I3 

i^Exif, L. Howell makes notes on the back of old en- 
velopes, etc.') 

{Enter Edith Lawson, r.) 

Howell {effusively'). My dear Miss Lawson, good- 
afternoon. Have a campaign card ? 

{Opens a sniall suit-case and exhibits a large card.) 



HOWELL 
FOR SENATOR 



Edith. I don't believe I have congratulated you on your 
nomination, have I? 

(Howell tacks the card on the front of the post-office.) 

Howell. A mere matter of form, Miss Lawson. 

Edith. Have you heard who is to run against you ? 

Howell. I don't care a bean — the smallest, measliest — 
excuse me, I meant to say that the choice of the opposition 
is of httle interest to me. 

Edith. You expect to win, then ? 

Howell. Sure, same as usual. Sun shines when it isn't 
cloudy, doesn't it? Well, I can't see a cloud on my p'litical 
horizon just at this precise juncture. Miss Lawson. 

Edith. It must be interesting to be up at Turnersport, 
making the laws of your native land. 

Howell. Making 'em and breaking 'em, eh? [Laiis^hs 
heartily. Edith looks up astonished.^ Oh, I'm an excep- 
tion, of course. And interesting? Well, it's got the most 
exciting novel I ever read beaten, I can tell you. Say, Miss 
Lawson, how'd you like to get a glimpse of it? 

Edith {eagerly). I'd love to. Father says he's going to 
take me up there some session. 

Howell. I was thinking I might take you up, Miss 
Lawson. 

Edith {demurely). That would hardly be proper, would 
it, Mr. Senator ? 

Howell. I guess it'd be O. K., if I slipped a little shiny 
band on your finger before we went. 



14 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Edith. Gracious, I believe the man is proposing ! 

Howell. Your conjecture is correct, Miss Lavvson. In 
fact, you have hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I'm 
generally out 'n' out in politics, and I want you to know my 
platform on this love question. Every plank is Edith Law- 
son, and you can't beat it. 

Edith. But, Mr. Howell, I 

Howell. Yes, 1 know how it is. You know your an- 
swer, but you want time to think it over. 1 remember once 
a crowd of reformers asked me how I was going to vote on 
a temperance bill. I couldn't tell 'em till 1 found out what 
the rest was going to do, so 1 told 'em to give me time to 
consider. 

Edith I hardly 

Howell. Not another word. I know just how you feel 
— kind o' flustered, like a man making his first speech, but 
just meditate over it, and when you get good and ready, let 
me know if I may count on your support — 1 mean let me 
have your answer, which will be favorable, I hope and trust. 

Edith. 1 must be going. Mrs. Jones is expecting me. 

Howell. Of course you must. Don't blame you a bit. 
Good-bye, and don't forget what I told you — meditate. 
(^Exit Edith, l. Howell gazes after her.) As fine a girl 
as ever peeled a turnip. I guess my chances in that quarter 
are better than average. Yes, I guess 1 can concede my 
election. {Enter Page, l., excitedly, almost out of breath.) 
Bellows need repairing. Page ? 

Page. No, -but say 

Howell. What have they done? 

Page. They've nominated Squire Perkins. 

Howell (almost falling from his box). What ! 

Page. Yes, Squire Perkins on the third ballot. (Howell 
looks up in agony.) But the squire declined. 

Howell {reproachfully). How could you do it. Page, 
how could you? Wounding so tender a flower as my 
heart ! You know Perkins could get elected to anything 
since he gave the town that free hbrary. What are they 
doing now? 

Page. Well, they've nominated a half-dozen or so, and 
they've all refused it. 

Howell {pompously). None of 'em wants to waste 
money getting beat. It ought to be about time that Ezra's 
name should be mentioned, eh ? 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES I5 

Page. They've named Jim Foster, a faraier over in 
Beanport, and they're 'phoning to find if he'll run. Just 
now they're fixing up the platform. It does everything to 
you except apply the tar and feathers. 

HoviTELL. I'm glad they showed me that much Christian 
charity. Say, Page, I've got a few notes here for you to use 
in your head-lines. (^Glajices at envelopes?) <* Kentworth 
Howell a Philanthropist." — " Howell Makes a Hit in Speech 
at Blueberry Junction." 

Page {writing in large note- book). When do you speak 
at Blueberry Junction ? 

Howell. Next week, Thursday. {Reads.) "Howell 
a Great Orator, a Credit to the District." — ** Howell a Sure 
Winner." By the way, Page, I wish you came out daily 
from now till election. 

Page. The Wheatville ''Press" has always appeared 
once a week, rain or shine, barring illness or death of pro- 
prietor, injury to the press or other catastrophe, and that 
makes yours truly work hard enough, thank you. 

{Enter Jeremy Lawson, l.) 

Howell. Been up to the convention? 

Lawson. Yes, they threw me out. I moved they indorse 
the Hon. Kent Howell, and they insinyated I weren't a 
delegate and suggested that I remove my obnoxious pres- 
ence forthwith. 

Page. Do you think Foster'U run ? 

Lawson. I know Foster, and he ain't clean crazy, and 
so I'm countin' he won't run. They're working on the 
platform now, and so far they've put worse things into it 
than you ever heard at a ladies' aid society. 

Howell. Preserve us ! 

Lawson. They're figuring on putting that fool eight- 
hour day proposition in. 

Howell. You don't fancy that much ? {Laughs. ) 

Lawson. About as much as the Hon. Kent Howell. 

Howell. I never b'lieved in interfering with business. 

Lawson. 'Specially when you've got your hard-earned 
savin's invested in stock o' the International Manufacturing 
Company 

Howell. Sh — ^just's well not to speak haphazard about 
private business, Jeremy. 

Lawson. A still tongue in a wise head, every time. 



l6 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Howell. Say, Jeremy, the president of the International 
loaned me a fine new automobile to use in the campaign. 

Lawson. They must want you to win. 

Howell. It'd be just as well, but o' course he knows 
I've got a cinch. 

Page. I must be moving along. I've got a paper to get 
out. 

Howell. Better send to the city for some three-inch 
letters for that head-line stuff. (^Exit Page, r.) Say, Jeremy, 
I'm no hand to sit on the dock a half hour before getting 
into the water. I've got both my eyes on your daughter — 
have had for some time, and if I can get her to look at it 
sensibly, I'd be willing to take her along to Turnersport this 
■ winter. 

Lawson. I always was mighty ambitious for my Edith. 

Howell. Of course you were. What father would not 
be? She is the apple of your eye, your one ewe lamb, 
your- 

Lawson. Abbreviate it, Kent. You aren't making a 
speech. 

Howell {laughing). That's right, Jeremy. I want to 
ask you, man to man, do I get your support ? 

Lawson. I'd like mighty well to have Edith in the swim, 
as they say. 

Howell. Being state senator may not be as far up the 
ladder as I'll climb, either. 

Lawson {loudly). Now, if you was to be governor 

Howell. Sh 

Lawson. If you was governor, mebbe Mrs. Lawson and 
me might spend a week at the executive mansion, and 

Howell {doubtfully). I suppose so. 

Lawson {excitedly). Guess I can visit my own daugh- 
ter, can't I ? 

Howell. Why, certainly, I 

Lawson {jiot placated). Even if she is the governor's 
wife. 

Howell. " We can arrange that all O. K. - 

Lawson. Don't you forget I'm mighty ambitious for my 
Edith. She's turned down three Wheatville chaps already. 

Howell. You're ambitious, and you're shrewd, Jeremy. 
The best you ever did was to divide the job of deputy be- 
tween Jed and Zeke. 

Lawson. The government wouldn't allow a deputy to a 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 1 7 

peanut office like this, but I can hire 'em cheaper than if 
they were regular hired men. They've got to pay for the 
dignity of holding a government position. 

Howell. You've got an eye for business. 

Lawson. Yes, and I've got an eye for Edith. 

Howell. I'll be back when the convention has had time 
to do its worst. 

(^Exit, R.) 

(Lawson turns toward the post-office door and enters as 
Molly Hempstead and Ezra Little etiter l. Ezra 
has a small book?) 

Molly. What do they do at political conventions, Mr. 
Little? 

Ezra. Now, that's a pretty hard question, Molly. I 
have heard sometimes that there were queer doings at them. 

Molly (^persistent). But what are they doing at this 
one? 

Ezra. Their principal object is to find some one to run 
against Mr. Howell for state senator. 

Molly. Oh, I wish you would, Mr. Little, and I wish 
you'd beat him 

Ezra. Me? Why, I'm a school-teacher, not a states- 
man. 

Molly. I wish you'd do it, anyway. 

Ezra. It isn't for me to do, you know. That would be 
the delegates' work. But why do you wish that I would 
run, Molly? 

Molly. 'Cause I want you to beat him. He's after 
your girl, too. 

Ezra. My girl ? 

Molly. Why, yes, Edith Lawson. He's buzzing around 
her like a bee 'round a hive. 

Ezra. But Miss Lawson isn't my girl, Molly. 

Molly. You'd like her to be, wouldn't you ? 

Ezra. Now, look here, Molly.' 

(Molly laughs. They start into the post-office and meet 
Lawson at the door.^ 

Lawson. Just a minute, Ezry. 

Ezra. Certainly. Get my mail, too, will you, Molly ? 



l8 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

(Molly enters the post-office and Ezra and Lawson come 

up stage.^ 

Lawson. Ezry, my daughter tells me you're coming up 
to the house to-morrow night. You were up a couple of 
weeks ago. Now I'm not objecting to friendly visits — not a 
bit, not a mite, providin' I'm sure they're not intended for 
anything else — catch the point? I'm ambitious for Edith. 
1 expect her to shine in social circles some day, and I don't 
want her to settle down in Wheatville or any of that non- 
sense. Turnersport, Washington, the world, is the place for 
a girl like Edith. 

Ezra (^quietly amused). She can be in only one place 
at a time, Mr, Lawson. 

Lawson. Wheatville's not the place. Write that in your 
little book. If you want Edilh, you'll have to be something 
bigger'n a school-teacher in Wheatville. 

Ezra. Rome wasn't built in a day. 

Lawson. Edith can't wait for Rome to be built. 

Ezra. Did it ever occur to you that somebody else be- 
sides you might be ambitious for Edith? 

Lawson. Well, let them that is sho>v it. Ambitious is 
as ambitious does, accordin' to the old proverb. 

Ezra. 1 thought it was handsome. 

Lawson. Same thing, anyway. The point is this, if 
you're after Edith, you've got to bring along something 
worth having. 

Ezra {smilins^'). I guess if Edith should care for me — 
mind you I'm not saying she does — wouldn't she be wiUing 
to give me a year or two to get started? 

Lawson. Mebbe. For me, I'm strong for those that 
have got there. Intentions is good, but the train does run 
off the track occasionally. You ought to break into poli- 
tics, Ezra. That's the way to get along. Why don't you 
go to the convention and look thmgs over ? 

Ezra. I'd like to, but I promised old Tom Moran I'd 
bring a book up for him to read. Now that he's laid up 
he's pretty lonesome. And then I must get back home to 
study. 

Lawson. I shouldn't think you'd need much studyin* 
to teach them youngsters their three R's. 

Ezra. Maybe 1 might have to study something else — • 
who knows? 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES I9 

Lawson. Cor'spondeiice course, I'll bet. 

(Molly comes out with a letter ^ which she is readings and 
a bag of chocolates. Under her arm she has a large 
package^ resembling a book. She encounters Lawson 
entering the post- office. ) 

Molly. Have a chocolate, Mr. Lawson ? Oh, isn't 
that too bad ? Not one left. Here's your mail, Mr. Little. 

(Lawson enters post-office. Ezra unwraps package and 
produces a large law-book.^ 

Ezra. I'm glad to get this. I'm about ready for it. 

Molly. What's the name of it ? 

Ezra. This is a copy of Remington on Equity. 

(Molly sticks up her nose.') 

Molly. Oh, I'd rather read something by Rose Carey 
or Mary L, Holmes. Their stories are lovely, don't you 
think so? 

Ezra. I must confess a certain degree of ignorance re- 
garding those classic works. 

Molly. I'll lend you some. They're grand ! 

(^Enter Wright, l., hurriedly.) 

Wright. You're just the man I want to see, Ezra. I 
hear you've made a special study of factories, industrial 
conditions and the like of that. 

Ezra. I've read a bit along those lines, and last vaca- 
tion I studied the factories first hand. 

Wright. And you wrote an article for the ^' World 
Magazine " 

Ezra. Yes — — 

Wright {interrupting^). And I read it. Now, we're 
trying to figure out a plank on that subject. The platform's 
all done but that. Come over and take a look at it, won't 
you ? 

Ezra. If I can be of any service, I'll come. Molly, can 
you take this book over to Mr. Moran, and tell him I'll 
come down after supper? 

Molly. Of course 1 will. 

{Takes small book and exits R.) 



20 THF WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Wright {taking Ezra's arm as they exeunt L.j. We've 
got a platform that'll make the Hon. Kent Howell sit up 
and take notice, believe me. 

{Exeimty L.) 

(^Enter Zeke Jones and Jed Smith, noisily, from the post- 
office.) 

Jed. Seems mighty good to be off dooty. 

Zeke. I got a higher dooty that calls me right now. I 
want to ask you a special favor. 

Jed. Strange, by hop. 1 was a-going to ask you to do 
something for me. 

Zeke {impressively^. When the committee meets to- 
night 1 want you to vote for me for chairman. 

Jed. By hop, just what 1 was a-going to ask you to do. 

Zeke. last you first. 

Jed. But I was a-goin' to ask you. 

Zeke. I'd be the best man. I can make a better speech. 

Jed. I know, but I'm handsomer — more imposin' like. 

Zeke. You are pretty fair to middlin' for looks, Jed, 
but looks ain't what count in politics. Mebbe when women 
vote, the handsomest man'll win. Come on. There's a 
good fellow. Vote for me for chairman. 

Jed. I will on one condition. 

Zeke. Sure, anything you like. 

Jed, You agree to the condition ? 

Zeke. My word's good, ain't it? 

Jed. The condition is that you withdraw in my favor. 

Zeke. Oh, I can't do that, Jed. 

Jed. You agreed to the condition. Ain't you a man o' 
your word ? 

Zeke (sharply). Any one insinyate to the contrary? 

Jed. if you don't do what you said what kin a feller 
think ? 

Zeke. Did I specifically state I'd withdraw ? 

Jed. I'd affirm it on a stack of sandwiches 

Zeke. Then I'll do it, if Kent's satisfied. 

Jed {eagerly). Sure. He ast me. 

Zeke. He ast me, too. Say, Jed, politics is a funny 
game, ain't it? 

Jed. Yep, but which way? 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 21 

Zeke. Everybody is awful pleasant before 'lection and 
so turrible forgitful afterward. 

Jed. Howell borrowed five dollars from old Clawbuck 
two years ago, and when old Clawbuck ast him for it he 
said he thought it was a campaign contribution. Haw — 
haw — haw ! 

Zeke. Well, ain't old Clawbuck what you'd call well 
to do ? 

Jed. He's hard to do. 

Zeke. Say, Jed, I'm thinkin' o' runnin' for office m'self. 

Jed {open-mouthed'). You don't say? 

Zeke. I do say, and don't you conterdict me. I'm 
studyin' law nights now, and one o' these days I'm goin' to 
run for persecutin' attorney or circuit judge. 

Jed. I'll help you get it, Zeke, and you can appoint me 
your deppity. For me, I'm never looking for nothin'. I 
let the office seek the man. 

Zeke, Like you did about this chairman business, hay? 

]kt> {dignified). I felt the call of duty, Ezekiel. Would 
you have me falter when ray country needs me? 

Zeke. Oh, go on. Stop ringing in Kent's campaign 
thunder. 

Jed. I wrote it for him. 

Zeke. Yes, you did. 

Jed. I did, too. I read it in volume sixteen of '' World's 
Greatest Or'tory "■ b'fore the publishers took 'em away. 

Zeke. Took 'em away? 

Jed. Yep; they offered 'em on ten days' free trial, and 
I thought I could read 'em through in them ten days — 
there's only twenty books — but I only got to volume sixteen 
and not clean through that. The publishers kicked like 
hop — said the pages was cut. I writ 'em back pretty sassy, 
you bet your Ufe, and said, '*0' course they was ; d'ye ex- 
pect me to peek down between 'em?" {Enter Mrs. 
Jorkins, r. She carries folded umbrella.) My dear Mrs. 
Jorkins. 

Zeke. My dear Mrs. Jorkins. 

Zeke. ) ^^^^ ^^^^ j ^^ ^^^ ^^^ p 



Jed. 

{Each takes her by the arm. She moves away from them.) 

Mrs. J. {hurriedly). Nothing, thanks. I'll just slip in 
for my mail. 



22 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Jed. I'm awful glad that you're fixed so comfortable 
like. 

Mrs. J, {half iveepiug). Yes, dear James, he was so 
thoughtful — always a good provider, and the insurance 
money' 11 keep body and soul together a while, I guess. 

Zeke. That policy was quite an amount, wasn't it, Mrs. 
Jorkins ? 

Mrs. J. I guess everybody knows it was two thousand 
dollars, since the '' Gazette " printed it all out. 

Jed. You can't believe everything you read in the 
papers. {Exit Mrs. J. into post-office.) I'd like to win 
that 'ere woman, Zeke. 

Zeke. So'd I. 

Jed. I'd feel mighty bad if I should lose her. 

Zeke. So'id I. 

Jed. I tell you, I could use a little of that 'ere two 
thousand dollars insurance money. 

Zeke. Same here, Jed. 1 tell you what let's do. We'll 
enter a comb'nation. Whichever wins'll divvy up; that 
suit you ? 

Jed. You mean the feller that gets the widow divides up 
the cash ? 

Zeke. Prezackly. 

Jed. Guess I'd rather be sure of a thousand than a 
chance on two. I'll go you, Ezekiel Jones. 

Zeke. I'll draw it up legal to-night, and we'll both 
sign it. 

Jed. Fix it up so's it'll be binding. 

Zeke. You leave it to me. 

{Enter Edith, r.) 

Edith. Well, what is the deputy doing? 

Jed. We've had a nice quiet little caucus, and we 
unanimously and with one accord chose me for chairman 
of the Wheatville committee. I perdict on that account we 
carry this burg by one hundred majority. 

{Struts. Mrs. J. comes from the post-office with tivo letters.^ 

Zf"ke ~) 

-r V {to Edith). Excuse me. 

{They rush over to Mrs. J.) 

Zeke. Let me carry your umberell. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 23 

Jed. Oh, let me carry your letter. 
Mrs. J. Don't be foolish. 

Jed. Kinder hard not to be foolish sometimes; eh, 
Zeke ? 

Zeke. Right you are, Jedediah. 
Mrs. J. Good-afternoon. 

(She bows to Edith, and exits, r. Jed and Zeke go info 
the post-office^ crestfallen. Edith walks toward l. and 
encounters Ezra enter ifig l.) 

Edith. Good -afternoon, Mr. Little. 

Ezra. It used to be Ezra. 

Edith. Ezra, then. Have you just been at the conven- 
tion ? 

Ezra. Yes. Wright asked me to look over the wording 
of the labor plank in their platform. 

Edith (surprised). Why, I always thought you be- 
longed to our party. 

Ezra. I'm afraid my views are more like those of our 
friends over yonder. (^Indicates hall.) 

Edith. You must have made quite a study of the 
subject ? 

Ezra. It's been kind of a hobby of mine. I spent my 
vacation last year going through some factories up at 
Turnersport, and I worked in one for a month — to get a 
real idea of how it goes. 

Edith. First thing you know, they'll want you to run 
for something. 

Ezra. Oh, I guess not. A thing like that doesn't come 
unless a fellow goes after it. Edith, you know I intended 
to come up to your house to-morrow night 

Edith. I remember. 

Ezra. Your father spoke as though he didn't exactly 
like it. 

Edith. Never mind father, Ezra. I'll expect you to- 
morrow night. 

Ezra. Edith, you know what I spoke to you about at 
the graduation exercises 

Edith. Let's see, what was it you said that night? 

Ezra {disappointed). You don't remember ? 

Edith. Wliy, of course not. 

Ezra. Maybe I'll say it again to-morrow night. But 
your father is mighty ambitious for his Edith, he says, and 



24 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

perhaps there isn't much hope for a country school-teacher 

with a few dreams — 

Edith. Sometimes dreams have come true. 

{Jnterruption occasioned by loud conmwtion as cofivention 
delegates and others pour upon stage, l., shouting and 
gesticulating. ) 

Wright. Hon. Ezra Little, our historic party in con- 
vention assembled has placed you in nomination for the 
high office of state senator. 

Ezra {astonished'). Nominated me? Are you in ear- 
nest ? 

Wright. Couldn't be more serious, Ezra, if I tried. 

Ezra. It's a big surprise to me, I can tell you. 

Wright {confidetitially, to Ezra). Tell 'em you'll run. 

Ezra. Oh, they only put me up for a joke. 

Wright. Joke nothing. The platform committee said 
you were just the man. Here's the whole platform. I 
guess you'll find it solid enough to stand on. 

{He hands the paper to Ezra, who is readitig it intently, C, 
while the villagers crowd aroufid him, some laughing 
and shouting, while the delegates are applauding. Jed, 
Zeke a7id Lawson have come out to see the excitement. 
Page enters r.) 

Zeke. Ha, ha ! The school-teacher politician. 

Jed. Nominated Ezry, eh ? Whilliger bing, we win 
before we start. {Goes down l.) 

Delegate. Better wait till the votes are counted. Any- 
way, I'm glad somebody was put up. I'll be home late to 
supper as it is. 

Ezra {to Wright). I'm glad you scratched that clause 
out. {Points.') 

Wright. Oh, that rip-roaring roast of Kent ? I told 
them you'd never stand for that. 

(Lawson goes to Page, doivn r.) 

Ezra. You're right, Frank. Kent's a decent chap, and 
I don't believe in that sort of tactics. 

Delegates (/// l. and r.). Hurrah ! Speech ! 
Jed. a speech from the schoolmaster ! 
Delegates. Keep still, can't you? 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 2$ 

Ezra (on steps of porch, c). I'm no speechmaker, fel- 
lows, but I want to say this. Now I'm in the fight I stay in. 
1 hope you put me up to win. I will look for the support of 
every one of you delegates. 

Delegate. Hurrah ! 

Page (aside to Lawson). Pretty soft, this. 

Ezra. Now, Howell may be the better equipped states- 
man 

Page (opening a huge note-book). Big head-lines in the 
Wheatville *' Press " for that testnnonial. 

Ezra. Yes, friends, 1 consider Howell a clean, honest 
man, and if that clause hadn't come out of your platform, 
you'd have to reconvene and choose another candidate. 
But on matters of policy opinions differ, I believe in the 
principles of this platform. {Holds up paper. Applause.) 
1 shall try to carry our views to every corner of our district, 
and I shall expect all of you to get to work and help us win. 

{Applause. He steps doivn and talks to Edith, up c. ) 

L\ !■ {down L.). Not me. 

Page. Anyway, I've got it in his own words, " Howell 
the Better Statesman," and not another word of his speech 
gets into the Wheatville *■'■ Press." 

Lawson. It's lucky for Howell he's got such an easy 
opponent, because he's after Edith, and 'nless he gets elected 
he can't have a fond father's blessing. 

Zeke {crossing R.). It ain't so easy as I wish. Folks 
around Wheatville think a hull lot of Ezra Little, and I tell 
you he's apt to pull off somethmg unexpected. 

Lawson. Oh, back to the pond with the rest of the 
croakers. 

Zeke {stubborn). I wish they'd nominated some old 
chap that was going instead of coming. 

(Ezra ««</ Edith co7ne down c.) 

Edith {to Ezra). Your law study ought to help now, 
Ezra. 

Ezra. Yes, but it takes a little more than a smattering 
of law to serve the people well. 

(^Efiter Howell, r.) 



26 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Page {aside to Howell). They've nominated Little. 

Howell {gleefully'). . It went through all right, then ? 

Page. No, they tell me Wright proposed him. 

Howell. It's all the same, anyway. (AloudS) Let me 
congratulate you, Mr. Little. Now, let's have a clean cam- 
paign — no mud-throwing, and no excuses. Here's my hand 
on it. 

{Enter Molly, r. She rushes up to Ezra.) 

Molly. Oh, I hope you win. Isn't it glorious ? I'll 
use every bit of influence I have. 

(Edith goes to Lawson, r.) 

Ezra. And that will count, I'm sure, Molly. 

Wright {conmig down to Ezra). I'm mighty glad 
you're showing this spirit, Ezra. You act as though you 
expect to win. That's right, too. But let me tell you that 
you have a fight on your hands. 

Ezra {looking at Edith). Yes, I have two fights on my 
hands. {Softly; aside.) And I think I'd rather win the 
other ! 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Living-r 00771 of Mr. Lawson's house, Evetiing, 
Exits at L., R. and c. Screen tip k. 

(^Curtain discovers Lawson and Mrs. Harriet Lawson, 
Edith and Kib eating supper at round table, c.) 

Lawson. As I was a-sayin' 



Mrs. L. Have some more potatoes, Jeremy ? 

Lawson. You women beat me ! You talk as though 
men only wanted to stuff themselves. I'm interested in 
affairs of state, and as I was a-mentioning — but fill up my 
plate while I'm a-waitin'. 

Mrs. L. Did you say one potato or two ? 

Lawson. Three. Now, as I was about to remark, when 
we go aviatin' up to the executive mansion, had I ought to 
wear a dress-suit, or hadn't I ought to? 

Edith. I should think you wear what the others do at 
the reception. 

Lawson. Reception ? What reception ? Who said any- 
thing about a reception ? A wedding reception is the only 
one I'm going to. I was speaking about when I'm a guest 
of honor, and stay over night at the executive mansion. 

Edith. Father, I wish you'd stop talking like that. 

Lawson. Stop talking like that? Well, I guess not. 
It's pleasant, and I'd rather talk about pleasant things than 
gossip like you women. 

Kib (counting his buttons'). Ezra — Kent — Ezra — 
Kent 

Lawson. Stop that nonsense, boy ; this is a serious 
matter. 

Edith. Let's not talk about it. 

Lawson. Four and four's always eight — but you women 
— 1 never could figure you out. Give me another potato, 
Harriet. 

Kib. If I was her, I'd take 

Lawson. Never mind, young man. , 

Kib. All right, I never will. 

Mrs. L. Don't be impudent to your father, Kib. 

Kib. If he won't, I won't. 

27 



28 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Lawson. Another potato, Harriet. 

KiB. I'll bet you have a row up here to-night, Edith, 

Edith. I don't understand you, Kib. 

KiB {inockifig). She don't understand me. And Mr. 
Howell and the school-teacher both coming here to-night. 
Oh, it's love that makes the world go round — buzz 

{Imitates a circular saw by moving ha?id in a circle and 
fnaking a buzzing sound.^ 

Lawson. Stop that nonsense, young man. 

Kib. Love ain't nonsense, is it, Edith? 

Edith. How shall I know? 

Kib. You ought to know, with two fellers to tell you. 

Lawson. Silence, young man. This ain't a fit subject 
for levity. 

Mrs. L. Anybody want anything more? 

Lawson. I might take another potato. {Supper con- 
cluded^ all draw back chairs and rise. Edith and Mrs. L. 
exeutit c. , with dishes. Kib rushes out r. , 7u hist ling. Law- 
son, loudly.) I'm going to read a while, Edith, but I suppose 
you will root me out when Ezra comes up. (Edith comes 
to door c. She is wiping a plate.) He hadn't ought to be 
coming, anyway, when you're pract'cally engaged to the 
man he's running against. 

Edith (^firmly). 1 am not engaged to Mr. Howell, 
father. 

Lawson. Well, the rest o' your family's willing, and 
you ought to do what the majority want. 

Edith. I'll think about it. 

Lawson. You women beat me. Another thing. . Your 
Ezra's running on a platform that's got an eight-hour plank 
in it and a lot of other pesteriferous nonsense. If that goes 
through, I might as well burn up all my International stock. 

Edith. Don't call him my Ezra. And 1 don't believe 
he'll say much about it, even if it's in the platform. 

{A knock is heard, L. Lawson answers.") 

{Enter Ezra, l. Greetings at door.) 

Lawson. Ain't ye resigned yet, Ezry? 
Ezra. Resigned ? 

Lawson. Yes, from running against Howell. 
Ezra. No — 1 haven't — yet. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 29 

Lawson. Better take ray advice 'n' do it. When I see 
a brick falling, I usually yell for folks to get from under it. 
Kent's having the biggest meetings y' ever heard of. 
They're over to Jupp's Corners to-night. They had a 
corker up to Bannerville last night. The chairman com- 
pared Kent to Washington, Naypoleon, Alexander the 
Great, Julius Caesar, Gineral Grant, Patrick Henry • 

Ezra. It won't be any disgrace, then, if he beats me. 
Besides, I don't claim to be the better man. 

Lawson. You don't claim to be the better man ! 

Ezra. Certainly not. When I run a race, 1 don't boast 
that I can beat the other fellow. I just run as fast as 1 can, 
and let the results speak for themselves. 

LaWson. You'll get all tuckered out in this political 
race. You're not in training. 

Ezra. Oh, I'm training now, and I'll soon be down to 
weight. 

Lawson. Another thing, Ezry. I'm afraid you're kind 
o' neglectin' your school. As a former member of the 
board, 1 can't allow that. 

Ezra. The board accepted my resignation last night. 

Lawson. That ain't no way to do — leaving 'em in the 
lurch in the middle of the term. 

Ezra {quietly). A substitute — probably more capable 
than I am — will take my classes to-morrow. 

Lawson. Humph ! Ef you two'U excuse me, I'll read 
my N'York paper a while. 

(^Exit, R.) 

Edith. How is your campaign progressing, Ezra? 

Ezra. I start speechmaking to-morrow. I'll be on the 
stump, as they call it, from now till election. This will be 
my last chance to come up here for a while. 

Edith. I'm glad you came. {They take seats down l.) 

Ezra. This thing coming so unexpectedly has made me 
a lot of work. The wee sma' hours find me hard at it, I 
can tell you. This is my first let-up since the convention. 

Edith. But, then, you are used to public speaking. 

Ezra. I'm used to passing out diplomas, with compli- 
mentary references to the attainments of my scholars, but at 
stump speaking I'm surely a greenhorn. That's what they 
say — and I've heard that I'm to be beaten. Perhaps it will 
be a case of unlucky in politics — lucky in love. 



30 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Edith. You might beat Mr. Howell yet. 

Ezra. In love ? 

Edith {embarrassed'). Why, of course not. In pol- 
itics. 

Ezra. If I should win, I'm afraid Kent's popularity with 
your father would suffer a sad decline. 

Edith. You know he is mighty ambitious for his Edith. 

Ezra. So I've heard. 

Edith. What is your speech like, Ezra? 

Ezra. Would you like to look over my notes ? 

(Edith looks up eagerly as if to respond affirmatively ^ when 
a knock is heard l.) 

Edith {going to door l.). I wonder who that can be? 
Ezra {aside). Another admirer, I'll bet a fig. 

{Enter A. Frank Pryor, l.) 

Pryor. Mr. Ezra Little, ain't it? They told me you 
was here. I want to have a nice little, quiet little confiden- 
tial chat with you. That is, if the lady don't mind, {Leers.) 
It's something special, or I wouldn't butt in like this. 

Edith. Certainly. I'll very gladly excuse Mr. Little. 

Ezra. You mean we'll excuse you. 

Edith. Either way you like. 

{Exit Edith, r. Ezra opens door for her and remains 
right of table. Pryor peers cautiously around the rooin^ 
goes to both doors and listens intently.) 

Pryor. I don't hear nothing, so I guess they can't hear 
nothing. ( Comes to left of table. ) 

Ezra. I shouldn't think you'd say anything you're 
ashamed of. 

Pryor. Huh ? 

Ezra. Didn't you hear me? 

Pryor. Yes, but my business ain't his business, seeing 
he's on the other fellow's committee. Lookee here, Little, 
you're running for office. Natur'lly, you want to get elected. 
From what I hear you've got as much show as J have of 
being the Czar of Russia, the way you're going at it. 

Ezra, This is my first political experience, Mr, 

I don't think you mentioned your name? 

Pryor. My name is Pryor, sir, A. Frank Pryor, of 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 3I 

Turnersport. Now I came over here special, 'cause it'll be 
election soon, and what's done for you's got to be done now 
— at once, so to speak. 

Ezra {dryly). That's very kind, I'm sure. 

Pryor. Huh? Kind? I ain't in this thing for my 
health. 

Ezra. No ! I've heard politics isn't a very healthy oc- 
cupation. 

Pryor. It ain't — not for some people. And I'm here 
to give you a tip. First thing, be mighty careful what you 
say to a certain young lady. 

Ezra. Sir ! 

Pryor. She might repeat to papa ■ 

Ezra {pounding the table). That's enough j not another 
word along that line. 

Pryor. No offense — not at all — but women is women, 
and I could cite examples from history where women wormed 
state secrets out of men. I'm a profound student of history, 
I am. 

Ezra. I guess we can end this interview right now. 

Pryor. Huh, don't get huffy. Never pays. I did once, 
and my doctor's bill was pretty heavy. I've got a scheme. 
Your opponent has got a nice new automobile. Now, my 
dear Ezra — I hope you don't mind my calling you Ezra — I 
know just a Httle bit about liowour friend came to have the 
possession of that 'ere vehicle. And it ain't any too much 
to his credit, either, and 

Ezra. That's sufficient, Mr. Pryor of Turnersport. I 
wouldn't touch your dirty scheme with a forty-foot pole. 
I'd rather not get a half-dozen votes in the entire district 
than to win by abusing Howell. I want to win — more than 
you can understand — but if I've got to be mean and low 
and tricky to win, I want to go down to defeat with my col- 
ors flying. 

Pryor. You'll go down all right, but I don't know about 
the colors flying. Honor's all right when it don't affect the 
pocketbook. A feller that's against being tricky ought to 
keep out of politics. Well, I'm going along — can't make 
any money here. But you watch Kent Howell pulverize 
you 

Ezra. We'll see. 

{Exit Pryor, l.) 



32 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

i^E titer Edith, r.) 

Edith. I'm glad he's gone. Who is he, anyway? 

Ezra. I never saw him before. His name is Pryor, and 

he wanted to initiate me into practical politics. 

Edith. And did he? 

Ezra. I learned some things I didn't know before. 

Edith. You'll be a politician yet, Ezra. 

Ezra. I hope not according to our visitor's definition. 

{^Enter Lawson, r., and without being seen he sits in chair 
behind screen^ with his newspaper. He has a tiote-book 
also.) 

Edith. Shall we look over your notes now? 

Ezra. Do you really want me to make a good speech ? 

Edith. Why, of course I do. 

Ezra. But if 1 should learn how to make a good speech, 
I might win, and tlien 

Edith. What then? (Lawson /r^z£/«i-.) 

Ezra. Then I might ask a certain young lady a ques- 
tion. May I ? 

Edith. Certainly you may ask ! 

Ezra. But what will the answer be? 

Edith. How can 1 tell till I know what the question is ? 

Ezra. Remember, I'm going to ask it. 

Edith. Shall we look at your notes ? 

{They sit, down \.. Ezra takes some papers from his 
pocket and Lawson prepares to write in his book.) 

Ezra {smiling). I read in a little green book that I got 
from Philadelphia that I must be a natural, graceful speaker; 
but while it's good advice, it's hard to follow. You can't 
be natural artificially. Then it said to develop a magnetic 
personality, but it didn't give the formula. Now, isn't that 
too bad ? 

Edith. Pm afraid a book wouldn't help much when you 
get up in front of a couple of hundred people. (Smiles.) 
• Ezra. No. Events wouldn't wait for me to consult 
page 249 to find out what to do when interrupted. Now, 
in my speeches, Edith, I shall always cal] attention to the 
fact that this is a representative government, and that we 
ought to choose a senator according to what he stands for. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 



33 



Then I will state my views and ask those who believe in 
them to vote for me. 

(Lawson writes feverishly .^ 

Edith. I don't see how any one can object to that. 

Ezra. Of course, you know, I've done more studying 
along the lines of industrial conditions than anything else. 
Somehow, the problem of getting mankind's work done 
without enslaving men always appealed to me. 

Edith. But, of course, it's more or less foreigners that 
work in factories, isn't it ? 

Ezra. Possibly — but men, nevertheless. I'm mighty 
glad our party put in that plank about the eight-hour day 
and about more rigid inspection of factories. (Lawson 
shakes his fist and writes rapidly?) And if I don't come 
within four miles of being elected state senator, I may do a 
little something to waken the people of this district. I'll let 
you in on a secret. That one plank in the platform made 
me say yes. 

Edith. But, Ezra, don't you know that to put in the 
eight-hour day is going to work hardship on lots of good 
people ? 

Ezra. Whom do you mean ? 

Edith. Why, people who have money invested. You 
wouldn't want to harm them, would you? 

Ezra. No, and I don't think the eight-hour day will 
hurt them. 

Edith. But, Ezra, would you still say so much about it 
in your speeches if you knew it would hurt me? 

Ezra {tenderly'). Hurt you ? 

Edith. Yes. Father says the eight-hour law will ruin 
the International Company, Our money's all in that. 

Ezra. But it won't, Edith 

Edith. It might, though. Hadn't you better think 
twice before you stand up for it ? 

Ezra. Think twice? I've thought four times, Edith. 
I've got to stick to my principles. You couldn't respect 
me if I didn't. 

Edith. But, Ezra, couldn't you gloss over that one 
plank and talk about the others? 

Ezra. You mustn't ask it, Edith. I simply must make 
my influence count for that bill if I am elected 



34 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 



Edith {coldly). Of course, if you care more for a lot of 
people you don't know {Rises and goes R.) 

Ezra. Is that fair? 

Edith. Of course, it's fair. Father's got a dozen fami- 
lies in Wheatville to invest in International, and think what 
they'll say if they don't get dividends 

Ezra. I've simply got to back up that plank. Edith, 
in the end you'll see that I'm doing right. 

Edith. Then you mean that even if it ruins my father 
and his friends, you will urge that bill? 

Ezra. Yes! {Starts toward her.') Edith! 

Edith {stopping him with a gesture). Answer me ! 

Ezra. Edith, if that bill is right, I must vote for it — no 
matter whom it hurts. 

Edith {scornfully). Oh, I see — the path of duty, and 
all that. 

Ezra. Don't, Edith. You don't know how much you 
hurt me. 

Edith. It may help you to know how other people feel 
when they are hurt. 

Ezra. Is that all you can say to me, Edith ? 

Edith. Yes. 

Ezra. Well, I'm sorry — sorry. {Abruptly.') Good- 
night. 

Edith {coldly). Good-night. 

{Exit Ezra, l.) 
(Lawson comes from behind the screen^ R.) 

Lawson. There, I heard every word. 

Edith. Why, father I 

Lawson {triu?nphantly). Well, you see what kind of a 
fellow he is. 1 wouldn't have much to say to a fellow that 
wouldn't do a little thing like that for me. 

Edith. But, father, do you think he really liked to 
make me angry at him ? 

Lawson. No, I suppose not. 

Edith. Then don't you think he's pretty sincere if he's 
willing to have this happen rather than give up his prin- 
ciples ? 

Lawson. Yes, but the boy's wrong. 

Edith. I think he is wrong, but he isn't weak, anyway. 

Lawson. I hope this' 11 end everything between you. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 35 

Edith. Tliere never has been anything between us, 
father. 

Lawson. It's been pretty clus, I can tell you ; and you 
remember, I'm mighty ambitious for you, Edith. 

Edith. Father, are you sure that if the eight-hour bill 
goes through, that we will lose our money? (^Goes down r.) 

Lawson. I don't want to take any chances. I know 
what I've got now and, says I, leave well enough alone. 
But — pshaw ! Kent'U lick Ezra so bad that his voice won't 
ever be raised in the senate halls on that subject nor on any 
other, s'fur as that goes. 

{Loud knocks are heard. Enter Jed, Zeke and Howell, 
L., all happy and triumphant^) 

Zeke. Well, it was a whirlwind. 

Jed. a reg'lar cyclone. Took 'em up by the roots. 

Howell. I'm not much to brag, but they said no such 
or'tory had been heard at Jupp's Corners for a long time. 
Every time I came to a stop, they'd shake the building with 
stamping and yelling. They gave me three cheers before I 
left. 

Lawson. You got back quick. 

Howell {proudly). You bet. In my new car, I burnt 
up the road, I can tell you. 

Edith. Did you buy yourself an automobile, Mr. 
Howell ? 

Howell. No, a personal friend of mine lent it to me. 

Lawson {grumbling). I expected to get shaved before 
you got here, but I was detained. 

Edith. Why, father, you had the whole house to your- 
self. 

Lawson {confused). Yes, but I had some plans to think 
over. Generally, though, I shave in installments, here a 
little and there a little, as I get the chance. 

Howell. Jeremy, let's get started. I want to see you 
a moment before the meeting comes to order. May we be 
excused ? 

Edith. Certainly. 

Lawson. I guess I can go to any part of my own house 
— or I'll know the reason why. 

{Exeunt Lawson and Howell, c. Jed and Zeke sit l.) 

Zeke. Gee, I'm sleepy. I'm usually in bed by nine and 



36 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

up at four in the morning. Only break my rule in case of 
politics, weddings or funerals, or something ekally serious. 

Jed {looking at large watch). You won't get to bed by 
nine to-night, Zeke. 

Zeke. No, that's a great sacrifice I make for my country. 
J'ever hear of a sleeping sentinel in the army? 1 never do 
any traitorious acts like that. Be a Benedict Arnold or 'n 
Aaron Burr — not I. 

Jed. Calm down, Zeke. What are you doing, rehears- 
ing? 

Zeke {apologetic). Excuse me. Miss Lawson. I forgot 
myself. You'll overlook it, won't you? I'll be more care- 
ful in futur. 

Edith. Why^ there's nothing to forgive, Zeke. I 
thought it was clever. 

(Zeke jumps around delightedly .^ 

Zeke. Whirhgig blossom ! D' you hear that ? You 
can't keep a good man down. 

Jed. I'll have to buy you an etiquette book, Zeke Jones. 

Zeke {threatefiing). D' you mean to insinyate that my 
manners 

Edith. Now, Zeke — 

Zeke {humbly). Excuse me, Miss Lawson, excuse me. 
And as for you, sir, I'll see you later. 

Jed. Y' can't make it too much later to suit Jedediah 
Smith, E. P. 

Edith. E. P. ? 

Jed. Yep — expert politician. 

Edith. I hear you're an expert, too, Zeke. {Smiles.) 

Zeke. I ain't one o' these conceited fellers that thinks 
he's the whole show and somethin' added, but there are 
folks that do say that I am one of the best inside workers in 
the state. 

Edith. You will be running for office yourself some 
day. 

Zeke {to Jed). You've been telling on me. I told you 
not to say a word, and you go yellin' all over creation 

Jed. I never said nothing. 

Edith, Zeke, you forget yourself. 

Zeke {hiwibly). I beg pardon. Miss Lawson. I hope 
you'll overlook it and I'll try not to let it occur again. 

Edith. I guess I can forgive you once more. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 37 

Zeke. You got to forgive me seventy times seven. 

{Reenter Lawson arid Howell, c.) 

Jed. Have you two got your fences fixed up ? 
Edith. Why, our fences are all right. 
Howell {laughing). And so are mine, Miss Edith. At 
least, 1 hope so. Pretty good repair, eh, Jeremy ? 

{Pounds Lawson on the back.) 

Lawson {irritably). How many times have I told you 
not to pound me like that? 

Howell {jovially). How shall I pound you, Mr. Law- 
son ? 

Lawson. I'm black and blue from my friends greeting 
me. It's a relic of barbarism, and if I had my way 

Howell {aside and confidefitially). You'd get 'em into 
the family, so you could punish them as they deserve. 

Lawson. Mebbe I would, and mebbe 1 wouldn't. I'm 
mighty ambitious for my Edith. 

Howell. And so'm I. 

(Edith exits quietly ^ r.) 

Zeke {loudly). Mr. Chairman. 

Jed {dignified). Mr. Jones. 

Zeke. I move we come to order. 

Jed. I second the motion — all in favor, say aye. (Jed 
and Zeke shout ^^ aye'^ loudly.) Contrary, if any — it is 
carried. / 

Howell {blajidly). But Mr. Chairman, I appeal. The 
presiding officer cannot second a motion. 

Jed {bluntly). Why not ? 

Howell. It's contrary to parliamentary law. 

Jed. It is, eh ? Well, I got the book right here. {Takes 
book from pocket, turns leaves and puis tJmmb into mouth 
alternately.) There you be, and I hope you're satisfied. 

Howell. But that's written in ink. 

Jed {triumphantly). To be certainly. Thomas' Rules 
o' Order, with revisions by Jed Smith, or every man his own 
parliamentary law, see? You're overruled. Meeting please 
come to order. 

Zeke. Yes, let's come to order, Kent, 

Howell. Call me my surname. During campaigns, 
I'm the honorable Kent worth Howell. 



38 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Zeke. Don't hardly see how you expect to win, if you're 
honorable. 

Howell {to Lawson). Did you read the Wheatville 
*' Press " yet? 

Lawson. 'Course I read it. What about it? 

Howell. Notice those head -lines about my big success 
over at Blueberry Junction ? 

Lawson. Couldn't help seein' 'em if you tried. What 
of it? 

Howell. Another fool break of Page's. Upset his 
calendar. I don't speak there until next Thursday. 

Lawson. Ezra's speechraaking begins to-morrow. 

Howell. So he's going to talk about industrial condi- 
tions, eh ? 

Lawson. That's what I get from what he said. Of 
course, it was all accidental like, but I jest made notes of 
what 1 couldn't help hearing. 

Howell. That's good. Forewarned is forearmed, or 
as the old saying has it — All's fair in love and politics. 

Lawson. It ought to be easy sailing for you with Edith, 
now. She and Ezra had a tiff because he won't stop talk- 
ing eight-hour day, even if it reduces our dividends 

Howell. My, my — I hate to think how we'll wallop 
that boy ! 

Lawson. He'll get over it. {Enter Edith, r.) Let's 
have our meeting out in the kitchen, where we can smoke. 

Jed. You lead the way. 

Howell. I'll join you in a moment, boys. {Exeunt 
Jed, Zeke and Lawson, c.) I'm mighty glad to see you 
again, Edith. My, but we made a hit over to Jupp's to- 
night. The crowd shouted itself hoarse. I hear Ezra was 
here to-night. He ought to be busy speechmaking — not 
that it will do him any good. 

Edith. He starts out to-morrow. 

Howell. I hear he's a crank on labor matters, eight- 
hour day, safety appliances, sanitary conditions and all that 
rubbish. Why, Edith, these reformers' d ruin business if 
they had their way. 

Edith {coldly). That's what father says. 

Howell. By the way, have you thought over that little 
proposition o' mine lately ? 

Edith. Well, I, that is 

Howell. Not another word, but I hope you will medi- 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 39 

tate seriously. Ordinarily, I'm no hand to make a census 
of my bantams before the returns are in, but this time I can't 
see a bit of rough weather ahead. 

Edith. Don't you think you might underestimate Ezra? 

Howell {laughing). Underestimate him ? Why, Edith, 
if I had been choosing my own opponent, I would have said 
let Ezra Little be the man. 

Edith. He may surprise you. He has ideas, and he's 
got the courage to stick up for them, too. 

Howell. Well, I'm not afraid. I'm only hoping that I 
can be as sure that you'll give the correct answer to that 
little proposition as I am that I'll beat him. 

Edith (warfnly). It seems to me you are very con- 
fident 

Howell. Sure. It's too bad to beat the boy two 
ways {Takes her hand.) 

Edith {pulling hand aivay, a?id speaking with spirit). 
Perhaps you won't — beat him ! 

Howell (astonished). Edith ! 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. Three weeks later. Early 
evening of the day before election. 

(^Curtain discovers Jed attd Zeke.) 

Jed. It's all over now. Every chance has went. 

Zeke. Yep, \ve ain't got a show. I don't see's there's 
any use countm' the votes. 

Jed. We got. to drink the bitter dregs o' defeat. 

Zeke. Just as sure as your ma used to make you take 
m'lasses and sulphur. 

Jed, And it tastes even worse. 

(^Enter Howell, r.). 

Howell. What is this, boys, a funeral? 

Jed. 'Tain't our funeral, Kent Howell. 

Howell. You don't mean to say you think it's mine? 

Zeke. We're licked, Kent, licked as sure as Clawbuck's 
butter's oleomargarine. Just to-day, I met four different 
chaps who've been for you strong every time, and now 
they've flopped to Little. 

Howell {laughing, confidently'). Four votes won't lick 
me, Zeke. Don't quit. I hate a quitter. Why, this race 
isn't exciting enough to be interesting. 

Jed. Ezra's getting votes, Kent Howell, votes I thought 
I had sewed up tight in my hip pocket. 

Howell. How's he getting them ? 

Jed. By his labor talk and by letting folks know how 
he's going to vote, that's how he gets 'em. 

Howell. Cheer up, boys. I give you my word of honor 
I'm going to be elected, and that ought to be enough for 
any man. Now, hustle up and get these banners ready, and 
cheer for me when I put it all over him in the speechmak- 
ing. Liven thina^s up. Make it seem all Howell. 

Jed. We'll all howl, all right. 

{Enter Page, r.) 
40 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES ' 4I 

Page (Jo Jed). You're just the man I'm looking for, 
being chairman of the local committee. What predictions 
do you make? I'm printing a special bulletin for distribu- 
tion to-morrow. 

Jed. We perdict that the Hon. Kentworth Howell will 
carry Wheatville by sixty-one majority. 

Page. I hear Moses Trueman's too sick to vote to- 
morrow. 

Howell. I'll get him in my car. 

Page. Too sick — they can't move him. 

Howell. There's some of my healthy constituents you 
can't move. 

Jed. If Trueman's sick, make that majority sixty. 

Howell. I hope, Page, that you've got some real live 
stuff in that bulletin and no more breaks like that Blueberry 
Junction affair. 

Page {sulkily^. I guess what I say about Little won't 
do him any good, and it's too late for him to deny it. 

Howell. Don't tell me. Then if he says anything, I 
don't know anything about it. 

Page. Well, I've got to get my bulletin ready. 

Jed. And we've got to fix up our parade. 

{Exeunt Jed and Zeke, l., and Page, r.) 

(^Enter Molly, r.) • 

Molly. Zip, boom, bah ! Hurrah for Ezra Little ! 
Who's all right? Ezra Little. 

Howell. Go ahead. Don't mind me. 

Molly. But yesterday and Howell's name would rule 
the world — and to-morrow none so poor to do him rever- 
ence. Hurrah for Ezra Little ! 

Howell. What do you know about it, you little minx ? 

Molly. Oh, nothing. Zip, boom, bah I Hurrah for 
Little ! We go marching to Turnersport. 

Howell. Now, there's a good girl. Shout for me, and 
I'll g;ive you a pound box of candy. 

Molly. Guess I won't shout for you. Hurrah for 
Little ! If you don't get me a two-pound box, I'll tell 
folks you tried to bribe me, and then how many votes'll you 
get? 

Howell. Just to show I'm good-natured I'll buy you a 
box, anyway. 



42 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

(^Enter Mrs. Jorkins, l.) 

Mrs. J. I beg pardon, but I just wanted to ask if you 
believed in letting the women vote. 

Howell. Would you vote for me ? 

Mrs. J. I certainly would. 

Howell. Then I say by all means let you vote. 

Mrs. J. Thank you so much. 

Howell. Don't mention it. 

Mrs. J. But I must. I must tell all the ladies. Thank 
you so much, dear Mr. Howell. 

{Exeunt Mrs. J., l., Molly and Howell, c, into post- 
office.') 

Molly {at the door). Hurrah for Little ! 
{Enter Ezra and Wright, l.) 

Ezra. I thought I heard some one calling me. 

Wright. Just some of the populace venting a bit of 
their enthusiasm. My dear Ezra, I really think we are 
going to elect you. Your campaign has taken the practical 
politicians off their feet. 

Ezra. I've only told them what I really believe. 

Wright. And that's just what they've been waiting for. 
I knew I could pick a winner, and I did that time certain 
sure. 

Ezra. It means a lot to me to win. 

{Enter Page, r., hurriedly.) 

Page. I've been looking all over for you, Little. Got 
any figures to give out ? 

Ezra. Figures ? 

Page. Yes, regarding your majority. 

Ezra. If there is one. No, I'm not claiming anything. 
As like as not Kent' 11 win out. 

Page {delighted). Shall I print that? 

Ezra (sfniling). You might say that I'll win if I get the 
most votes. 

Page. If ! A big if, I say. I'd be a millionaire if I 
had enough money. Good-night. 

Ezra. Good-night, Page. Don't be late for the 
speeches. 

Page. I'll be here to get you down in black and white. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 43 

{^Exit Page, r.) 

Wright. No need to bother with him. I don't con- 
sider him decent enough to associate with. We don't 
speak, you notice. 

Ezra. I always thought him a first-rate chap. 

Wright. Even after he called you a political meddler ? 

Ezra. I guess he was half right. 

Wright. I'm all right, so I'm the better man. Now, 
Ezra, all we've got to do is to get these circulars distrib- 
uted, and you've put on the finishing touches to a whirl- 
wind campaign. 

{Unwraps a package and hands Ezra a circular.^ 

Ezra (reading). " Howell rides in automobile owned 
by the International Manufacturing Company. Let the 
voter ask himself. Who owns Howell? " Frank, we mustn't 
pass out such a circular as that. 

Wright. Why not ? 

Ezra. Because it's not our way of doing. Kent and I 
said we'd have a clean campaign and no mud-throwing, 
and I'm not going to get elected by making nasty insinua- 
tions. 

Wright. Why, you just said you wanted to win — 
wanted to win bad. 

Ezra. Did I ? I meant to say I wanted to win fairly — 
not by springing eleventh-hour roorbacks. 

Wright. Roorbacks? 

Ezra. Yes; that's what they call them, isn't it? 

Wright. You're certainly getting onto the technical 
points. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, I'll see you later. 

Ezra. Come back here, Frank. Better let me have 
that package. I don't want any accidents to happen. 

(Wright reluctantly hands Ezra the package and exits at L. 
Ezra carefully rewraps the package.) 

(^Enter Molly, c. , with box of cajidy. 

Molly. Do I interrupt? Zip, boom, bah ! Hurrah for 
Ezra Little ! 

Ezra. I enjoy being interrupted by such sentiments, 
Molly. 

Molly. Have some candy ? Mr. Howell bought me a 
two-pound box. 



44 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Ezra. I shouldn't think you'd be so enthusiastic for me, 
then. 

Molly. As though I'd give up my principles for candy. 
You do me a base injustice. 

Ezra. I'm glad 1 have such a devoted little adherent. 

Molly. Yes, I am a Little adherent. I'll be back for 
the speech, you bet. I must give ma at least one piece of 
candy before I eat it all. 

Ezra. Be sure to be on time. I may need help. 

{Exit Molly, r. Ezra takes a manuscript from his pocket 
and examines it carefully. He keeps the package care- 
fully under his arm. ) 

{Enter Edith, r.) 

Edith {diffidently'). Good -evening, Mr. Little. 
• Ezra. Not Ezra ? 

Edith. Ezra, then. Is that your speech? 

Ezra. Oh, it's a few notes that cover what I have used 
in the campaign. I spoke at four places last night : Gas- 
port, Latimer Junction, Sawtucket and Beanville. I reached 
Beanville at eleven o'clock, and there were just ten men 
there, and every one fast asleep. I made a big hit with the 
ten . 

Edith. What did you do? 

Ezra. I let them sleep. 

Edith. And you've been talking eight-hour day and 
factory inspection ? 

Ezra {gravely). Yes. I've made it my chief point. 

Edith {looking at hini and then away). You know how 
I feel about it. 

Ezra. Edith, isn't it anything to you that I'm doing my 
duty as I see it? 

Edith. I hope you won't emphasize those things to- 
night 

Ezra. Edith 

{Enter Kib, r.) 

KiB. Hi, I caught you. Say, sis, I thought you were 
mad at Mr. Little 

Edith. Hush, Kib. 

Kib. You can't make me hush. I thought it was all 
fixed 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 45 

Edith. Never mind anything more or I'll tell Mr. Little 
about your girl. 

KiB {abashed^. Oh, sis, you wouldn't do that. 

Edith. I will, if you aren't good. 

KiB. Oh, I'll be good. Let me borrow a nickel. 

Edith {handmg one from her purse). When will you 
pay me back ? 

KiB (rushing into post-office). Oh, when I get to be 
a man. 

Ezra. Small brothers are big bothers, I've heard. 

Edith. Oh, Kib doesn't annoy me in the least. 

Ezra. If you'll excuse me, Edith, I'll get rid of this 
package before time for the speeches. 

Edith (^quietly). Certainly, and remember what I 
said 

Ezra. I can't do that. 

Edith. Not when I — especially — ask it? 

Ezra. Not even when you ask it, Edith. 

Edith. Very well. Good-bye. 

Ezra. Good-bye. 

(^Exit R. Edith walks l.) 
{Enter Howell, c.) 

Howell. Howdy, Miss Edith? I haven't seen you in 
a long time. Y' see I've been speaking at four meetings a 
night, and that doesn't leave much time for courting. 

Edith. I presume you have been busy. I hardly thought 
you considered so strenuous a campaign necessary. 

Howell. You seemed to think so last time 1 saw you, 

Edith. Did I? 

Howell. Don't you remember? Said he would sur- 
prise me, et cetera, but I'm just about calculating on squelch- 
ing him to-night for good and all, and after the votes are 
counted to-morrow I am going to ask you for your answer 
on that special little proposition of mine. 

Edith. Mr. Howell, I can 

Howell. Not another word. After the votes are 
counted, the conquering hero will come to claim his lady 
love — rather a pretty figure, eh ? 1 must be going now ; but 
remember — after the votes are counted. 

{Exit Howell, l.) 



46 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

[Enter Lawson, c.) 

Lawson. Hello, Edith. Talkin' to Howell, eh ? That's 
right. 

Edith. Father, I wish you'd stop meddling in my 
affairs. 

Lawson. Your affairs ? It's my affairs, I guess. Your 
affairs — when it's me that's going visitin' up at the execu- 
.tive mansion when you're the governor's wife. It's me 
that's ambitious for you. Your affairs ! Bah ! 

Edith. So you think Mr. Howell will surely win? 

Lawson. A lot of people are getting fooled by this eight- 
hour buncombe, and Ezry may make it close for Kent. 
Politics is skittish as women. 

(^Enter Jed and Zeke, l., bearing aloft a banner inscribed 
' ' Howell for Senator. ' ' Kib enters c. , and follows iheMf 
flaying a patriotic tune on a motith-organ. All three 
march around the stage several times and are joined by 
villagers, who enter l. and r. At the conclusion of the 
third trip they all gather around him and shout. ^ 

All. Hurrah for Howell ! Howl for Howell ! We all 
howl for Howell ! 

(^Enter Molly, r.) 

Molly. Back again. Hurrah for Little ! Zip, boom, 
bah, Ezra, Ezra, Ezra Little ! 

Jed (^pompously'). Come on, boys. Drown her out. {All 
shout. ) Howell, Howell, Howell for senator ! 

Molly. Little, Little, Little, Senator Little! 

Zeke. I hear Kent's going to win easy. He has so 
Little opposition. 

Molly. Little, but enough to beat him. 

Jed (waving his arms'). Come on, boys. Hurrah for 
H-o-w-e-1-1 — Howell ! {During the above all the characters 
and villagers have entered from l., r. and c After Jed's 
lines, Howell enters l., atid^Z'RA, r., and both are heartily 
applauded. The villagers should be evenly divided in their 
sympathies. Shouts of ^^ Hurrah for Little,'^ and '' Hur- 
rah for Howell,'^ are heard from all sides.) The first citi- 
zen of Wheatville, hon'r'ble Kentworth Howell — hurray ! 

(Wright brings a box down l., and mounts it.) 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 47 

Wright. Fellow citizens, I am proud to take the first 
step in opening this meeting. I am glad to rise before you 
as the exponent of our principles, gladder still to introduce 
one who needs no introduction, that rising young statesman 
whose glowing words have made the welkin ring from one 
end of this district to the other — aye, and to the uttermost 
parts of the state, the next senator from this district, Hon- 
orable Ezra Little. 

{Dismounts. Loud applause by 'Ezka!?, sympathizers, Mol- 
ly's voice being prominent. Ezra tiiounts the box and 
bows profusely.^ 

Ezra. Fellow citizens, I'm glad to speak before you to- 
night. You ought to know what is involved in a vote before 
you cast it. They tell me Mr. Howell is a better man. I 
am not here to claim otherwise. I only want to call your 
attention to the fact that this is a representative government, 
and that your senator votes in your place. How will he 
vote ? That is the question you must ask yourselves. For 
three weeks, I have done my best to let you know how I 
stand. 

Ezra's Adherents. Hurrah for Senator Little ! 

Ezra. I have concealed nothing from you. My views 
have been an open book for all to read. Do you believe 
that operators in our great factories should have greater pro- 
tection to life and limb? 

Jed. There ain't a factory in Wheatville. 

Ezra. Of course there isn't, my friend. Your observa- 
tion does you credit, but I would not misjudge you, fellow 
citizens of Wheatville, so greatly as to dare say that your 
interest extends only to the borders of this village, that you 
are not broad enough and that your hearts are not big enough 
to go over to the great cities of our state and feel their needs ! 
(^Great applause.) They need help — those men who give 
their brain and brawn in the great manufactories, and I 
know them, for I have worked side by side with them. 
They ought not to be asked to work undue hours, and their 
surroundings ought to be as pleasant and as safe as we can 
make them. Their lives should never be endangered for 
sake of a dividend. This state — or any other state — can ill 
afford to place the dollar above the man. 

(^Thunderous applause.) 



48 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Molly. Zip, boom, bah ! Hurrah for Senator Little ! 

Ezra. I stand squarely on our platform in this regard, 
and if I am elected, 1 pledge you that I will do all within 
my power for the eight-hour day, for a closer inspection of 
factories, and the improvement of sanitary and safety condi- 
tions. They say I'm a greenhorn, that I was nominated for 
a joke. Maybe. I don't know the ins and outs of practical 
politics, but a greenhorn can fight, and a greenhorn can 
have enthusiasm, and even a first-termer has a vote. The 
question is — will he vote right? {^Enthusiastic applatise.') 
I can speak but briefly on the other points in my platform. 
I favor the enlargement of the state's powers in food inspec- 
tion. 1 favor the investigation of the land office. I am 
first, last and always in favor of civil service reform. A 
dollar's worth of work for a dollar of the state's money. If 
you believe in things like these, you ought to vote for me — 
yes, you must vote for me, unless my opponent — admittedly 
a skilful statesman — also pledges himself to his utmost in 
their behalf. Has he done so ? Will he do so now ? 

Ezra's Adherents. Hurrah I Zip, boom, bah ! Lit- 
tle for senator ! 

Ezra. Friends, I can say no more. You know what I 
stand for. I want to represent you in Turnersport. I want 
to vote for measures that will help in the onward march of 
progress. If you trust me, I shall strive hard to prove worthy. 

(Ezra bows amid a storm of applause.^ 

Molly {leadins^ the applause). Zip, boom, bah ! Hur- 
rah for Senator Little ! But why didn't he call Mr. Howell 
any bad names? 

Lawson {to Jed). Ezra's surely been doing a lot of re- 
hearsing. Kent had better do his best and add a little. 

(Page mouiits the box.) 

Page. Friends and fellow citizens : I am about to in- 
troduce to you the biggest man in Wheat ville, the one big 
bright star in her firmament, the man whose very name is a 
pride and joy to every one of us from the weest toddler to 
the oldest inhabitant trembling down life's farthest slope. 
We are proud of Kentworth Howell, and being your state 
senator is only one step up the ladder of fame for him. The 
Honorable Kentworth Howell. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 49 

{Dismounts. Howell receives afi ovation from his sup- 
porters as he mounts the box.) 

Howell (bozaing to all sides^. Friends, how good it is 
to be home ' Houie, after all these weeks of ceaseless jour- 
neyings over my beloved district. Home ! Man's bright- 
est hopes, his most tender thoughts are bound up in those 
four letters. Home ! To be surrounded by those who love 
and trust you. Friends, I can ask no more. 

Molly. Guess we'll leave you there, then. 

Page (angrily). Keep still, you. Give our candidate a 
show. 

(Molly subsides.") 

Howell. Nothing personally would delight me more 
than to remain among you as long as my course shall run, 
but 1 feel and must obey the call of duty. It is for your 
sake, dear friends, that I go to Turnersport, for your sake 
and for my country's weal. (^Applause, and blowing of horn 
by Jed.). Regarding what Mr. Little has said about voting 
on certain questions, how can I tell how I will stand till I 
get up there and see what the situation is? You leave it to 
me and I'll take good care of you — always have in the past. 
I point with pride to my official record. It's an open book 
for all to read. But I view with alarm the possibility of 
untried statesmen — if such they can be called- — holding in 
their hands the destiny of this great commonwealth ! [Great 
applause.) This is a serious problem, friends, this being a 
self-governing nation. Men of honesty and experience — 
experience especially — -ought to be in the seats of the mighty. 
1 b'lieve that now, as in Lincoln's time, our country faces a 
mighty crisis. Will you put the guns of defense into un- 
proven hands ? No, a thousand times no ! Keep the ship 
of state manned by a crew whose ability has stood the test. 
This country's going on to greater and greater things. ** He 
has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat." 
Safe, safe as a babe in its mother's arms is the destiny of 
this nation in the hands of our great party. When you go 
to the polls be true to yourself ! Shakespeare says to thine 
own self be true, and you won't be false to anybody else, or 
words to that effect. Be true ! Flinch not, and as I see 
your faces I can read the verdict. "I can read the right- 
eous verdict by the dim and flaring lamps," and the oppo- 



50 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

sition's foolish doctrine — in this district at least — goes down 
to well-deserved defeat. 

{Thundering applause as Howell bozvs mid dismounts,') 

Lawson. The greatest speech I've heard since I read 
one of Dan'l Webster's. 

Zeke {triumphantly). I guess that was a poor speech — 
not to-day ! It reminded me of gimme liberty or gimme 
death. 

Jed. I won a prize once recitin* that. I said it like 
this {very fasf)^ '' Is life so dear or peace so sweet " 

Zeke. 'Nough ! I'll listen to that some time when I'm 
asleep. 

( The adherents of each candidate crowd around congratu- 

latifig him.) 

Howell {preparing to leave). Good-bye, Ezra. I hope 
there won't be any hard feelings when the votes are counted. 

Ezra {quietly). I hope not. 

Edith. That was a good speech, Ezra. 

Ezra. I'm only sorry that you couldn't approve of all 
of it. 

Molly. Zip, boom, bah ! Hurrah for Senator Little ! 

{The villagers file out l. and r. Howell and Page ex- 
emit together f r., surrounded by admirers.) 

Lawson. Going to work any more to-night, boys ? 
Zeke. Guess not. I can't stand these late hours — it's 
nine o'clock. 

(Jed a?id Zeke exeunt r., and Lawson enters post-office.) 

Ezra. Everybody seems to have gone home, all of a 
sudden. 

Edith. I think I'll wait for father. 

Ezra. I just happen to have an errand up your way. 
Edith, I'm sorry I've had to say things in my speeches that 
may have hurt you. 

Edith. Of course, you have a right to say whatever you 
like 

Ezra. If I had agreed to leave the eight-hour day alone 
when you asked me that night, you couldn't have respected 
me. Now, honest, could you ? {She turns aside, and does 
not answer. Ezra, earnestly.) Could you, Edith? 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 5 1 

Edith (speak i fig very low'). No. 

Ezra. Edith, I'm going to say again what I said at the 
graduation exercises. If 1 win to-morrow I'm going to ask 
a question of you. 

(Lawson conies to the door of the post-office.) 

Lawson. Well, what do you think of that ? 
Edith. Oh, there's father. Good-night. 
Ezra. Good-night. Remember, if 1 win 



(Exity R.) 

Edith. Father, are you sure the eight-hour bill and the 
factory inspection will injure the International Company? 

Lawson. Well, I've been a-lookin' into it a little, and 
it seems some states have got it, and the factories haven't 
nailed up the front doors yet. But, anyway, Kent' 11 win in 
this district easy. 

Edith. Oh, I'm so glad ! 

Lawson (chuckling). Glad Kent'U win? 

Edith. No, that Ezra's bill isn't going to hurt us. 

(Goes up c.) 

Lawson (looki?ig after her). Well, what do you think 
of that ? (Shakes head.) These women is queerer'n poli- 
tics. They beat me ! (Goes up c.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT IV 
S,CENE. — Sa7ne as Act I. Evening of election day. 

{As curtain rises Edith enters at r. Jed appears at post- 
office door.^ 

Jed. You're just the girl we want to see, Miss Edith. 
Will you watch the office while we transact some business 
where these checker players can't hear us ? 

Edith. I should think they'd be so interested they 
wouldn't hear you. 

Jed. We dursn't run no chances. Come on, and help 
a fellow out. 

Edith. I'm glad to do it for you, Jed. 

{Enters post-office, c.) 

{Enter Lawson and Zeke, c. Jed, Lawson and Zeke 

come down c.) 

Jed. Now we've got you one side, we got a little busi- 
ness to transact, we has. 

Lawson. What do you want — a raise? 'Cause if you 
do, you'll have to apply to the gover'ment. 

Jed. No, it ain't a raise — not exackly. 

Zeke. It's more serious than a raise. 

Jed. We got a business matter, we has. We want a 
partnership dissolved, we do. 

Zeke. You can get it done, can't, you? You're a 
not'ry public, ain't you ? 

Lawson. I'm too blamed public to suit me. 

Jed {dignified^. We're here on solemn business, Jeremy, 
and you as an officer of the law are duty bound to help us 
out. 

Lawson. As an officer of the law, I must do my duty — 
if I get my fee. 

Jed. We want to break up a partnership, Jeremy. 

Lawson. I never see your names together on a sign- 
board. 

52 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 



53 



Jed. No, this business ain't exackly one that you put up 
any signs about, eh, Zeke? 

Zeke. No, but I guess all the signs are in favor o' me. 

Lawson (Jookifig cautiously around). I hope it ain't 
anything crooked, boys. 

Zeke. Not exackly what you'd call crooked, Jerry. 

Lawson. Jeremy, sir, not Jerry nor Jeremiah. Now 
what about this dissolving business ? 

(^In pantomime^ Jed and Zeke each indicates that the other 

should proceed. ) 

Zeke. Jeremy, it's like this. Jed and me was business 
rivals, but we decided to pool our interests and form a trust, 
eh, Jedediah ? 

Jed. Right you are, Ezekiel. 

Zeke. You see, both of us is kind o* courtin' Widow 
Jorkins, we be, and we got to kind o' thinking how much 
we'd lose if we didn't get her, so we said we'd go partners, 
and share 'n' share alike. 

Lawson. Share 'n' share what alike? 

Zeke. Why, Jimmy Jorkins' two thousand dollars in- 
surance money, o' course. You see, we're both head over 
heels in love with the widow, and we thought the loser'd feel 
bad enough without suffering financially. 

Lawson. A most equitable arrangement ! Why do you 
want to dissolve it ? 

Zeke. Well, Jeremy, I, for one, think I've got the lady 
to see the matter in the right light. 

Jed. Same here, Jeremy. 

Zeke. Besides, if the lady should prove unaccommo- 
dating in money matters, how could the winner meet his 
obligations? 

Jed. Right you are, Ezekiel. 

Lawson. Have you got a contract ? 

Jed. We each got one. We both signed 'em. 

Lawson. D' you have any witnesses? 

Zeke {shrieking). Witnesses ? Whirligig blossom ! D* 
you suppose we wahted everybody in Christendom, includin' 
the widow, to know about this here little arrangement? 

Lawson [officially solefnn). No one witnessed the deed. 

Jed. There ain't any deed done yet. 

Lawson (scathingly). I mean the paper, idget. Give 



54 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

me the contracts. {^Each produces a lo7is[ paper from aft 
inner pocket. luK^?,oi<i looks them over earnestly. Reads. ^ 
**Know all men by these presents " 

Jed. I wanted that left out, but Zeke said it didn't mean 
iiothin'. 'Tvvas just to make it c'rect legally. 

Lawson (reading). ''Forasmuch as the party of the 
first part, one Ezekiel Jones, and the party of the second 
part, one Jedediah Smith, are both, each and severally in 
pursuit of one object, namely, the hand and affections of the 
party of the third part, one Martha Jorkins known as Widow 
Jorkins, and whereas and inasmuch as included with the 
aforesaid hand and affections of said Martha Jorkins there 
is the sum of two thousand dollars insurance money left by 
the late lamented Jimmy Jorkins, we do hereby each and 

severally, earnestly agree and covet with each other " 

Covet? {Looks up.) Don't you mean covenant? 

Jed. I guess we done both. Zeke drew up that there 
paper, anyway. 

Lawson {severely). Don't you know it's against the 
commandments to covet your neighbor's wife? 

Jed. But she ain't our wife — not yet. 

Lawson {reading). " earnestly agree and covet 

with each other that whichsoever shall be successful in get- 
ting the aforesaid lady's hand and affections — wnth what is 
included therewith — shall pay unto the other the sum of 
one-half the amount of the aforesaid insurance money. 
Mutually agreed upon and signed this day, July 7, Anno 
Dominoes, 19 — . Zeke Jones, Jed Smith." 

Lawson {solemnly). Jed Smith and Zeke Jones, re- 
spectfully signers o' this here doc'ment, you solemnly affirm 
that you wish it annulled, eh ? 

Jed. We want it done away with. 

Lawson. The fee'll be five dollars each. 

Zeke ") 

T " y Oh, Jeremy ! 

Jed. f ' -^ ^ 

Lawson {firmly). Five dollars apiece, please, or the 

contract stands. 

Zeke ^ 

J , ' \ You'll have to take it out on pay day. 

Lawson. If I do you'll 'most owe me money, but I'll 
do it. You agree to dissolve this partnership, do you ? 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 55 

(Lawson takes the contracts firmly between his fingers and 
tears them into very small bits.') 

Lawson. Be ye dissolved, by authority of the United 
States, per Jeremy Lawson, whose commission expires 
July II, 19—. 

Jed (with a sigh of relief ^. Let's get back to the office. 

Zeke. Folks' 11 be looking for returns soon, 1 guess. 

(^Exeunt Jed and Zeke, c. ) 

(JE titer Edith, c, and walks toward r. She meets Ezra 

entering r.) 

Ezra. You're just the one I'm looking for, Edith. 

Edith. I should think you'd be looking for the man 
who counts the votes. 

Ezra. We'll hear from him soon now. I suppose your 
father will announce the returns as usual. 

Edith. I wouldn't want to be the man to try to prevent 
him. 

Ezra. If I should win, I'm afraid he wouldn't like the 
complexion of the returns. 

Edith. I'm afraid not. 

Ezka {half joking). But we will? 

Edith. We? 

Ezra. Yes, won't we? 

Edith {tossing head). Isn't that taking a good deal for 
granted ? 

Ezra. Edith, you know that I love you. Ever since I 
came to Wheatville, I have been trying to place myself so 
that I could ask you to let me take care of you, always. I'd 
be willing to work for you 

Edith {lookin^^ away). An eight-hour day ? 

Ezra. Twenty-four, if necessary. Edith, when this 
nomination came to me, I saw its two possibilities — to do 
something for what I believe to be in line of progress, and to 
win the chance to ask you the one question — now that the 
opportunity is in the balance, don't you hope that I get it? 

Edith. I (^Hesitates.) 

Ezra (earnestly). Edith, don't you? 

Edith. Yes, 1 suppose 1 do. 

Ezra (delighted). Edith ! 

(Lawson comes to (he po si t- office door and scowls.) 



56 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Edith {unconcerned'). When will the returns begin, 
father ? 

Lawson (^gruffly). I start in at eight, whether there's 
returns or not. it's a foregone conclusion anyway. 

(Scoivls and turns into post-office,') 

Ezra {looking at watch). We've twenty minutes, Edith. 
Let's walk down as far as the school. 
Edith. To take a last look ? 
Ezra. In that case, parting will be a sweet sorrow. 

(Exeunt Ezra a7id Edith, r.) 

Lawson (entering with Jed). D' you ever see the nerve ? 
Wait till he's licked. I'll send him hustling. 

Jed. Jus' what I'd do. Stay with a winner. That's my 
sentiments. (Hurriedly, as he sees Mrs. J. enter l.) Ex- 
cuse me. {Runs forward and takes her by the arm.) My 
dear Mrs. Jorkins, how might you be? 

Mrs. J. 1 might be dead o' the quinsy, but I'm not. I 
never felt better. 

Jed. And you never looked better. Seems to me you're 
getting 

(Enter Zeke, c, on the run. He takes Mrs. J. 's other arin.) 

Zeke. My dear Mrs. Jorkins, how fine you are looking ! 
Lawson. You men are as bad as women ! 

(Exit, c.) 

Mrs. J. (to Zeke). Oh, do you really think so? 

Zeke. Cross my heart. 

Jed. Cross mine double. 

Zeke. It seems a terrible long time since I saw you. 

Jed. It seems twice that long to me. 

Mrs. J. I'm glad I found you two boys alone. Seein' 
you've been so particularly nice to me, I guess I ought to let 
you know first. Maybe you don't remember Abner Lew- 
bury, d* you? Well, anyway, him and me was sweethearts 
once, and had a misunderstanding, and each of us took up 
with somebody else. Well, each of us having been afflicted 
by the loss of the better half, we decided to do what we ex- 
pected to do in the first place. I got his letter to-day, an* 
I'm answering it now. {Holds out letter.) 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 57 

7^^^ I {astoufided). So you're to be married? 

Mrs. J. Yes, and I want you boys at the weddin'. 
You've been just like two sons to me. You'll come, won't 
you ? 

Jed ] {sheepishly). We'll be there {eagerly) and kiss 

Zeke \ the bride. 

{ExitW^^. J. into post-office.) 

Jed {fnournfully). Good-bye, Jimmy Jorkins' two thou- 
sand. 

Zeke {also mournfully). . I wish we could 'a' got that 
Lewbury chap to go partners with us. 

{Enter Howell, l.) 

Howell. Hello, boys, how're you feeling? We've 
fought a good fight, and 1 guess we've won. 

JED. 1 bet when the votes are counted you'll see the 
Wheatville committee made a good showing. 

Howell. It doesn't start that way, Jed. I've been 
watching 'em count, and I figure that I'll be lucky to carry 
the town by twenty-five. Still, many a mickle makes a 
muckle. 

{Enter Lawson, c.) 

Lawson. In five minutes I start this show if there isn't 
a township heard from. Be prepared to fill in, Kent. 
Jed. i guess I'd better drum up a crowd. 
Zeke. That's my program. 

{Exeunt Jed and Zeke, l.) 

Lawson. Now, Kent, I hope everything turns out O. K., 
because you know I'm mighty ambitious for my Edith. 

{Villagers be^in to assemble fro7n L. and R. ; Page, Kib 
and Wright included. Mrs. J. enters c.) 

Howell. I never was defeated yet. 

Lawson. Mebbe the pitcher might go to the well once 
too often. 

Howell. Even if I do, I won't come home broke. 

{Enter Molly, r.) 



58 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Molly. Zip, boom, bah ! Hurrah for Senator Little ! 

{Some of the villagers join her while others shout " Hurrah 
for Howell r') 

{Enter Jed and Zeke, l.) 

Lawson. Time to start. Hey, you Kib. You go in- 
side there, and as fast as any returns come in, you rush 'em 
out to me. And Zeke, if you don't get news fast enough, 
I'll report you to the gover'ment. {Moutits box and an- 
nounces through a megaphone.^ Ladies and gentlemen — 
and politicians — we are about to commence a time-honored 
institution here in Wheatville — receivin' and announcin' 
election returns. As usual, I'll take charge. 

{Exit Zeke, c.) 

{Enter Edith and Ezra, r. The villagers cheer Ezra 
and also Howell. ) 

Howell {to Lawson). What are they doin' together ? 

{Points to Ezra and Edith.) 
Lawson. Blessed if I know, but it ain't a good sign. 

(Kib hands a slip to Lawson.) 

Lawson {announcifig). Howell carries Chicory town- 
ship by twenty-four votes. 

{Loud applause.) 

Howell {to Jed). It's not near up to two years ago. 

{Before each announcement Kib hands Lawson a slip of 
paper. Lawson announces through the megaphone. 
Ezra and Howell have note-books , keeping count as the 
vote is announced.) 

Lawson. Sugaway Center gives six majority for Little. 

{Applause.) 

Howell {to Jed). If I lose, she's my Jonah. 

Jed. By hop, I hope you win, but politics is as uncer- 
tain as collar buttons. 

Edith {to Ezra). Six is something, anyway. 

Ezra. Is it something to you? Then you want me to 
win, eight-hour day and all. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 59 

Edith. Now, Ezra. 

Ezra. Say you do. 

Edith. I've told you so twice. 

Lawson. Fenn Creek gives a majority of eleven for 



Howell. 



(^Applause.) 



Howell {to Molly). How do you like that, little Miss 
Smarty ? 

Molly. Wait till the next. Most people aren't ignorant 
like the Fenn Creek folks. Hurrah for Senator Little ! 

Jed. I'll make a small-sized bet with any man here that 
Kent Howell wins. 

Molly. What do you want to bet? 

Jed. I'll bet a kiss. If you win I'll give you one. If I 
win, you give me one. 

Molly. I wouldn't bet that way except with a handsome 
man. 

Jed. . Well, that's where I come in. 

Molly. No, that's where you're away out. 

Jed. I tell you what I'll do; the loser'll have to eat a 
cake of soap. 

Molly. A whole cake ? 

Jed. a reg'lar-sized cake of Smith's Beauty Soap. 

Molly. Who'll pay for the soap? 

Lawson. Oh, I'll donate the soap. 

Molly. All right, I'll bet you. 

Lawson. Here, they're coming. — Gasport, twenty for 
Little; Beanville, sixteen for Howell ; School Corners, seven 
for Little; Circusburg, nineteen for Howell. 

(Howell and Ezra make notes rapidly.') 

Howell {to Jed). We've got a lead, but not near what 
we had two years ago. 

Jed. I hope we win. Smith's Beauty Soap is only good 
outside. 

Ezra {turning to Molly). I hope we win, if only so 
that you won't need to eat that soap. 

Molly. There's another reason why you want to win. 
Oh, I know. Zip, boom, bah ! and I hope you get her, 
too. 

Ezra. Thanks, Molly, but get whom? 

Molly. Yes, that's her. Sh ! she'll hear you. 



60 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Ezra. Her? What her? ' 

Molly. As if you didn't know. Hurrah for Senator 
Little ! 

Howell {to his adherents who have crowded around him 
to get his figures'). 1 hope it's all right, boys. We're not 
doing like we did two years ago — not by a big plura. 

Lawson. Blueberry Junction, thirty-three for Little. 

(Howell /i3!//i" back upon a box exhausted^ and fans him- 
self with his hat.) 

Howell. Just think of that ! The place I made such a 
hit, according to the Wheatville *' Press." 

Jed. You can't believe nothing you read in the news- 
papers. 

(Ezra's sympathizers, led by Molly, shout triumphatitly.) 

Howell. I never thought much o' blueberries, anyway. 

Lawson {to Jed). Politics is gettin' as uncertain as 
women. {Loudly. ) Here's a whole county, Musgash gives 
a majority for Little, one hundred and twenty-two. {^Dem- 
onstratio7i.) This is more like it. Complete returns from 
Sterling County give Howell a majority of one hundred and 
forty-eight. [Great shouting.) Wheatville goes for Little 
by ten majority. 

{Tremendous applause, led by Molly.) 

Howell. A man's foes shall be they of his own house- 
hold. {Figures intently. To Lawson.) I guess we win, 
but it's uncomfortably close — as close as ever was old Claw- 
buck in his palmiest days. 

Lawson. How does she stand? 

Howell. We're thirty- seven to the good, and there's 
only a few more townships to hear from. I guess we're 
safe. 

Lawson. You'd better be, 'cause I'm mighty ambitious 
for my Edith. 

Ezra {turning to Edith). Kent seems to have a lead so 
far. It's close, though, and we'll hope till the last vote's 
counted. 

Edith {softly and confidentially). Close your eyes, and 
weMl hope just as hard as we can. 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 6 1 

Lawson. Pentonville, twenty-two for Little. Burk's 
Hill, nineteen for Howell. 

Jed. About time we heard from Jupp's, eh? 

Howell. Oh, I've got Jupp's nailed down. He won't 
get a dozen votes up there. (^Consults book.~) There are 
only four more townships to hear from, including Jupp's. 

Lawson. Glenville, seventeen for Howell. Courtsburg, 
eight for Little. 

Howell. Looking better all the time, Jeremy. Forty- 
three to the good, and only two more to hear from. 

Molly. Was there a soul dismayed ? Not one of us. 
Zip, boom, bah ! 

KiB. Who's going to win ? I want to yell for somebody. 

Lawson. You 'tend to your returns, young man. 

Page. I guess I can get out an extra — ''Howell 
Wins ! " 

Wright. We don't concede a thing, sir, not a thing. 

Page. Sir, I desire no further conversation with men of 
your type. 

Wright. Type, sir? An execrable pun. I shall make 
note of it in the " Gazette." 

Lawson. Jupp's Corners, twenty-six for Little. 

Howell; Bring on the restoratives, boys. And I was 
so good to those people up there, and they said I was like 
Lincoln ! How could they ? How could they ? 

Ezra. That makes it pretty close, doesn't it ? 

Jed. Close — not a bit. I always liked a tight fit — wear 
shoes that pinch me, and all that. We're seventeen to the 
good, we be, and only one place to hear from. 

(^Goes into post-office^ and returns with soap in hand.) 

Howell. It looks good, boys, it looks good. It was 
like being drawn through a keyhole, but I guess we get 
through. 

Lawson. Lemon Haven gives Howell a majority of 
twenty votes. 

Jed. It's all over now ! It's all over now 1 Whoopee 
diddle de boom de dah ! I've rehearsed four weeks on that 
yell, I have. 

(^Demonstratio7i and cries of ^^ speech " by the Howell ad- 
mirers. Jed makes a comic circuit of the stage, waving 



62 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

his hat. Howell is immensely pleased. Edith and 
Ezra serious. Molly very glimi.) 

Ezra {offering his hand^. You seem to be the winner, 
Mr. Howell. Let me congratulate you. Next to myself, 
I'd rather have you win than any man I know. 

Howell. We run a close race, Ezry, and I must say, 
for an amateur, you've done mighty well. 

(^Takes Ezra's hand.') 

Jed {excitedly). Eat the soap. Eat the soap. 

{Hands Molly soap.) 

Molly. Are those figures official ? 

Jed. Why, to be certainly. I say so, and I'm half a 
deppity to a postmaster and not'ry public. 

KiB {pointing alternately to Ezra aiid Howell). My 
mother — no, father — told me to take this one. 

{Indicates Howell.) 

{Exit, c.) 

Howell {confidentially to Lawson). Now the little 
girl' 11 come around all right. 1 guess everything is ironed 
out satisfactory. 

Lawson. I hope so, but women are more uncertain than 
sweet potatoes. 

KiB {excitedly). Say, dad, come in here, quick. Zeke 
wants you. 

(Lawson afid Howell hastily enter the post-office. The 
others, some of whom had started to disperse, crowd 
around the door to learfi the cause of the excitement. 
Edith and Ezra remain down R.) 

Ezra. It looks as though I've lost. 

Edith. It does look as though we've lost, Ezra. 

{The crowd make room for Lawson and Howell, and 
gather arou?td the box as Lawson mounts it.) 

Lawson. It seems there was an error in tab'lation or 
something up in Sterling County. Anyway, we've got a 
message that says Howell carried it by forty-eight instead of 
one hundred and forty-eight. {Cries of '* You don't say ? " 



THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 63 

^' Then Kent didn't win, eh?^^ Shouts by Molly and 
Ezra's adherents, and disgust shown by Howell.* s admirers.^ 
Zeke made 'em repeat the message, but they won't say any- 
thing different. Figure it up, Kent, and see how you come 
out. 

Howell. Figure what up? That licks me, and no 
figuring' 11 change it. 

(^The crowd is highly excited. Ezra ^«^ Edith, down R., 
are talking happily and confidentially. ) 

Lawson. Remember, Kent, I'm mighty ambitious for my 
Edith. 

Howell. That's all right. I'm a cork on the ocean of 
life. You can't keep me under. 

(^The crowd calls loudly for Ezra.) 

Edith. They want a speech, Ezra. 

Ezra (mounting the box). Friends, I can only say thank 
you, and that I'll do my best. That must be enough to- 
night. Thank you again. 

(^ITe bows, amid a storm of applause, after which the vil- 
lagers begin to file out. Howell shakes his hand just as 
Lawson comes up. Howell then turns to exit r.) 

Lawson. Well, my boy, I didn't think you had it in 
you, but I guess you've won your fight. 

(Molly, l., holds up cake of soap and is forcing it upon the 
protesting Jed. The villagers halt to see the fun y while 
the conversation below takes place down stage. ^ 

Ezra. Yes, but have I won the other fight ? 
Lawson. What other fight ? 

Ezra. The fight for your consent to a little arrangement 
Edith and I have decided upon. 
Lawson. So she's decided, eh ? 

{Looks over to Edith, 7vho is talking to Mrs. J., r.) 

Ezra. I'm going to ask her right now. 
Lawson. Well, I guess there ain't anything for me to 
say except to the victor belong the spoils. 



64 THE WHEATVILLE CANDIDATES 

Ezra (crossing to Edith). I was after two prizes, Edith. 
How about the one that only you can giv'e ? Have 1 won 
that ? 

Edith. You know you won that long ago, Ezra. 

(As the curtain goes down, the reluctant Jed, dow7i i.. , is 
seen to make an antic and an extremely mry face over his 
first bite of soap. The triumphant JMolly is sta?iding 
over hifn, and the villagers are laughing.) 



CURTAIN 




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